Because The Internet Review

Childish Gambino doesn't need any introductions. Some of you might know him as that sorta-but-not-really funny comedian/actor from Community. Some of you might know him as the nerdy hipster who wants to be taken seriously as a rapper.

Gambino dropped Camp a year or so ago to pretty decent reviews. I personally thought the album sucked. But I can see why some of you are into it. Childish Gambino is following the mold of Odd Future in that he doesn't want to be a stereotypical rapper, he just wants to be himself. Which there's nothing wrong with that if it's executed correctly.

But the thing with Childish Gambino and his music is that it's STOOPID. I don't really mess with his music, like at all. But I figured I could give him another chance. Maybe he stops rapping in that "I'm ironically rapping" voice? Maybe he extends his act beyond "I'm not a rapper but I wanna be taken seriously as a rapper while at the same time not acting like a black person but I hate when people tell me I'm not black enough I'm just myself and I like Asians and have lots of sex but let me throw in something here and there about racism to show you I can be serious too" Man idk.

Side bar: 2013 has been too much. I'm all about big names releasing albums, but what in the entire hell is 2014 going to look like? Literally everyone and their moms have released an album this year. And 80% of those albums have suuuuccckkkkeeeed. Mostly looking at Yeezus.

So let's head into this album and see if it can join Long.Live.A$AP, Wolf, My Name Is My Name and MMLP2 as the good albums to come out this year. I now present you with:

Because The Internet Review

1. The Library (Intro)

Tryna waste 5 seconds of your life?

2. Crawl

5 seconds into this song and the beat is already better than anything on that trashcan Camp. The hook is nice too. But Childish Gambino isn't really saying anything at all on here. Like he's stringing together words and making them rhyme, but there's not really any substance to it. Not every song has to have a subject though, just look at 60% of Eminem's catalog, but I don't even get what Childish Gambino is trying to accomplish here unless it's to intentionally sound stupid, which is such a waste because this song had a looooot of potential. But apparently this is following along with the screenplay he wrote for this album. Oh gosh this is going to be one of those "You just don't get it" Yeezus type situations.

3. WORLDSTAR

Childish Gambino better slow down on these fire beats or he's going to alienate his fan base. I'm a fan of THIS Childish Gambino. He's keeping with the whole "internet" theme and exposing how anyone can get famous off of a stupid video. I think? Whatever, I'm a fan of it. There's a few moments in the song where he starts to go off track for the sake of rhyming, but he comes back in. Then the beat at the end switches up into some illustrious elegance, sounding like a lonely rainy day on that Hey, Arnold show. Super jazzy and sweet. Take away the first 3 minutes of this song and only keep this beautiful outro and we have the song of the year. Let this snazzy jazzy outro engross all of your senses and enjoy the ride.

4. Dial Up

There's no reason for this to be here.

5. The Worst Guys (Feat. Chance The Rapper)

Ion really listen to Chance The Rapper like that, but he doesn't really have a presence on the song because he's singing harmoniously with Gambino on the hook. The beat is silky smooth and enjoyable, building on that unnecessary "Dial Up" interlude. I did, however, really appreciate the "apartheid" line. Nas would've found a way to make that historically inaccurate, but I thought it was a clever little line. Childish Gambino fans won't get that though. Look it up and educate yourselves. YOU AIN'T DO THE EDUCATION. But yeah, this song is tight.

6. Shadows

This sounds like a leftover cut from Camp, which means I don't have to spend anymore of my valuable time listening to it!

7. Telegraph Ave ("Oakland" By Lloyd)

Can't wait to never listen to this again.

8. Sweatpants

Now normally when you see a song titled "Sweatpants", your expectations are historically low. The song was okaaaaaaaaay. Not really bringing anything to the table other than existing. He's making fun of rich people and the culture in case you need someone to spell it out for you or if your were feeling like tweeting him, "@DonaldGlover U CHANGED BRUH WHY DOSE THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN? SELL OUT #mad #upset #waistofmoney"

9. 3005

So this is the first official single off the song. The beat sounds like the theme song from Rugrats or something like that. I also don't support Gambino singing at all. Basically go listen to any song off of Nothing Was The Same and simultaneously listen to the Rugrats theme and you'll have this song.

10. Playing Around Before The Party Starts

Make this about 3 minutes longer and you'd have a buttery smooth track.

11. The Party

So I guess the party started????? CLEVER!! I don't really support the hook at all but he goes in for a solid 30 seconds. Silver linings people!

12. No Exit

This song sounds like torture porn.

13. Death By Numbers

Sweet another song where nothing happens!

14. Flight of the Navigator

MAN I DON'T KNOW. I don't really support anything like this at all. This is just STOOPID. I couldn't hit the skip button fast enough.

15. Zealots of Stockholm (Free Information)

Can we call him Yeezus Gambino yet? Because I definitely see what he's been doing. He also tried to get a little deep and touch on the "same-sex"marriage and his doubts about religion. But don't be fooled into thinking he's about to drop some mad philosophy. All style no substance here.

16. Urn

Sounds like a 90s R&B song, and not one of the classics. I don't understand why he feels the need to waste our time like this. At least he stopped doing his Kanye impression and moved on to The Weeknd.

17. Pink Toes (Feat. Jhene Aiko)

Yeezus Gambino, The Creator. That's all you need to know about him. But Jhene Aiko comes in with her silky smooth voice. Woooooooo, take off that identity crisis having mofo and let Jhene Aiko sing this whole thing.

18. Earth: The Oldest Computer (The Last Night) (Feat. Azealia Banks)

Childish Gambino is trying to be Tyler, The Creator, Drake, Yeezus, and now Kid Cudi. MAN BE YOURSELF. He's like Game man, just tries to be like other people. This sucks.

19. Life: The Biggest Troll

This song is better than the last 13 songs, but it's not anything to get excited about. Thankfully he's not really having his identity crisis on this song. But yeah I don't exactly need to ever hear this song ever again. Maybe I just don't understand why rappers are dying to use futuristic space beats/themes.

So we got through the album and it sucked. Which is weird because the first 5 songs were great. Childish Gambino reeeaaaallllllyyyyy needs to figure out who he wants to be. Because Kid Yeezus Gambino, The Creator isn't cutting it at all. But let's talk about the positives! His voice has improved a lot, along with his lyrics. The beats are a lot better. And if this album had only been 5 songs long it would've been the best joint all year. But alas, he fell into the trap that a lot rappers fall into, which is releasing an album with too many songs. And this one was about 14 songs too long.

Also, I didn't realize it until just now that Indicud was released this year. Totally forgot about that album. Wanna know why? Because it was awful.

Final Score: 2/5

Tropico Review

Man listen, nobody loves Lana Del Rey more than I do. I thought her last album, Born To Die, was the best album of 2012. In my eyes, Lana is the G.O.A.T. But a lot of people don't see her the way I do.

They point to that god awful SNL performance where she sang 6 octaves too low. Or something like that. And she just kinda stood there. I mean, the performance wasn't anything to re-watch ever again, but it wasn't the worst thing in the history of ever, ya know?

But anyway, Lana Del Rey has taken a good year and a half to herself to basically do nothing (she did drop that gem "Young and Beautiful"). Then a few months ago she announced she was dropping a little passion project she's been working on, the short film Tropico. Now nobody really knew what to expect because the picture for the film was her and an albino fellow wearing leaf underwear. But Lana has always been great when it comes to videos/monologues (see: the last 2 minutes of the "National Anthem" video). So naturally we were expecting a lot, right?

She dropped the trailer for it a week or so ago and the world went bonkers. We were like "This could be like that 'Runaway' short film Kanyeezus dropped a few years ago, except this one might actually be good." I mean, the trailer showed us a video full of strippers, guns, religious undertones, and death. Basically this was going to be the greatest thing ever.

Tropico dropped today at 11 AM on Vevo (I think Vevo is stupid and artists really need to leave that behind). I settle in to watch the most beautiful woman on the face of this planet bless me with her artistic creativity for 30 minutes. So without further adieu I present:

The Tropico Review

So this thing starts off in the Garden of Eden, Lana as Eve and Shaun Ross (you all might recognize him from that "E.T." video with Katy Perry which I didn't know about until I looked him up on Google) as Adam. Lana is praying to John Wayne, who is accompanied by Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Jesus because when you're a hipster, things don't really have to make sense. But I guess it kinda follows up with the theme of "Body Electric".

While Lana sings "Body Electric," she and Ross dance like an awkward couple at a dance club. Actually, they dance like this:



But anyway, so we move past the horrible dancing. Lana then goes to eat the forbidden apple and Marilyn Monroe, John Wayne, and Elvis have a conniption fit because this all is bound to make sense soon, right?

So we pick up with Lana stripping and Ross working at a convenience store. Lana starts her little narrative here where she really just says a bunch of words and expects us to know what it all means. Like she's saying a lot of things, but she isn't really saying anything.

The whole video treads along like this, with intermittent cuts of her songs. She sings "Gods and Monsters" and "Bel-Air". Lana's boyfriend has a freakout at his convenience store (you never find out why), they (maybe) rob a group of guys getting lapdances, Lana strips, Lana says a bunch of words, and then they dance in a cornfield and float into the air.

Maybe I just didn't get it, but this video was stupid. Like it didn't make any sense. I was expecting a lot more from Lana, but I'm sure all these random shots of her drinking soda out of a 2 liter makes sense to philosophy majors. I guess there was some symbolism; like their life begins perfect, then after Lana eats the apple their lives are terrible and full of sin, and then by the end after stripping and robbing people they are free of sin and can float in the sky. Or something like that.

I just don't really understand how robbing people cleanses you of sin? Like, how can you hold a gun to someone's head and then float into the sky to meet John Wayne?

Oh yeah, Lana also announced her new album is called Ultraviolence. Woooo!!!!!

Final Score: 1/5

The Walking Dead: Too Far Gone Review (and character rankings)

Where have "The Walking Dead" reviews been at these past 2 weeks????? I'll tell you where: nowhere. Because the Governor's storyline is mad boring. But for the sake of complaining here;s a summary of the past two weeks: The Governor walks around, finds a new group, takes a liking to a girl that looks like Maggie, plans to takeover the prison and kills people throughout the episodes. There you go.

So we arrive at the mid season finale. "The Walking Dead" has actually been really solid these past 4 years when it comes to mid season finale's, although their season finale's are either great or trash.

We pick up in the prison, when Rick finally tells Daryl about Carol, and he is SICK. Heartbroken. Sad. Then they go try and tell Drake Tyreese, but he's too busy looking at rats. They begin to tell him but there's an explosion that they must attend to.

They walk outside and The Governor is lined up with a tank and an army, while also capturing Hershel and Michonne. Uh oh! So they try to negotiate, but that doesn't go down as smoothly as it could have gone and one thing leads to another and we have our first major character death of the season.

I won't spoil too much for you, and if you haven't watched the episode yet, then you probably shouldn't read the rankings. But without further adieu, I present:

THE WALKING CHARACTER RANKINGS

1. Daryl Dixon (last time: 1)

Wooooo!!!! Daryl! I thought he was a goner for sure when the zombie snuck up behind him like Jameis Winston at the club. While I was watching that scene my palms were sweaty, knees weak, vomit on my sweater already, mom's spaghetti. But in typical Daryl fashion, he uses the zombie as a shield and BLOWS UP A TANK! Why would he NOT be number 1? Number 1 on here and number 1 in our hearts.

2. Rick Grimes (last time: 3)

Welp, let's be glad he didn't do the classic Rick Cry when he saw Judith was missing. Ricky 3 Stacks was faced with a tough decision in his standoff, and he tried to take the peaceful route, but The Governor wasn't having it. Rick also is a horrible shot. How do you miss The Governor when he's standing right in front of you? Rick also got beat up. And didn't contribute to the gunfight at all. But nobody else really did much either.

3. Michonne (last time: not ranked)

She didn't kill The Governor, but she did save Rick's life. I respect the hustle though, she finally got what she wanted. Other than that, she was just kinda there to save Rick's life. Should've been a little less predictable but whatevvvvvvs.

4. The Governor (last time: 10)

He killed Hershel!!!! He shot a dead little girl without any sort of remorse. He beat Rick up. And then he died. The Governor has always been a little stale for me, which blows because he was so great in the comics. I don't know why the writers didn't make him more menacing, maybe it was all about being realistic, but The Governor was a snoooozzzzzeeeerrrr.

5. Tyreese (last time: not ranked) 

His manhood has been up and down this season, but he's hit his stride beautifully these last few episodes. I thought he was a goner for sure when he was rolling around in poison ivy and getting shot at. But those girls from "The Shining" ended up saving him. I can dig it.

6. The Girls From "The Shining" That Saved Tyreese (last time: unheard of)

Yeaaaahhhh these girls have spent this whole season being useless, but they came out strong, saved Tyreese, and killed those douchebags in The Governor's camp. With a headshot nonetheless. After being infected with the flu that was killing the prison. I like it!

7. Carl Grimes (last time: 4)

Ooooooh I thought he was going to die, but he didn't. But still, he is about to come full circle with his serial killer future, as evidenced by the 5 times he shot a dead zombie. Also, we have to do something about that hat he keeps wearing.

8. Rick's Hat (last time: not ranked)

Rick's hat managed to stay on during the gunfight and provided Carl with the skills to kill. I'm a fan!

9. The Governor's Tank (last time: didn't exist)

It had a nice run, it blew some things up, but it had to learn a lesson that everyone eventually learns: nobody survives the wrath of Daryl.

10. Hershel's Head (last time: still attached to his body)

More on this in a second...

Not Ranked:

Carol :(
Maggie Greene
Beth Greene
Bob STOOPID
Glenn Rhee
Sasha
Rick's Beard
The Governor's Accent

This was a wonderful mid-season finale, although I think the idea of a mid-season finale is stupid, but I can kinda understand it. But let's talk about Hershel.

I'll see you at the crooooossssroooaaaaddssss, so you won't be loooooonely, see you at the crooooossssrrrooooaaaads sooooo you won't be lone lonellllaaaayyyyy.

And I'm gonna miss everybody and I'm gonna miss everybody ooooohhhhh.

Livin in a hateful wooooooorld, sending me straight to heaven, livin in a hateful woooooorld, can somebody anybody tell me whyyyyy we die we dieeeeee, i don't wanna diiiiieeeee.

Sooooooo wrong oooooohhhh so wroooong ooooooohhhhhhh.

Pour out the liquor for Hershel Kenobi. We'll see you up there again big homie.

Final Score: 5/5

Long.Live.ASAP Review

Don't worry, I haven't abandoned The Walking Dead reviews, nothing has reealllly happened these last few episodes leading up to the mid season finale, so I'll be lumping all 3 episodes together. But anyway, as a part of the Throwback Reviews, I decided to pull out one of my favorite albums of 2013, Long.Live.ASAP.

I first heard of A$AP a few years ago when he dropped the EXCELLENT LiveLoveASAP. He really did drop the hardest mixtape of the last few years. Then we saw Rocky again in the even better "National Anthem" video with the beautiful Lana Del Rey as the star crossed couple, JFK and Jackie. The video was great, that's actually Lana's strong point.

As we all know, ASAP wears dresses and other questionable things, but we let him off the hook with all that because he makes dope music. Now if we saw someone like J. Cole wearing a dress, or Drake, then we'd have some problems. But ASAP is cool so leave him alone.

Anyway, this brings us to Long.Live.ASAP, the anticipated debut from the new king of Harlem. Does it live up to the hype (yup), but if you haven't taken the time to peep it (or buy it), then I'll go ahead and lay out the blueprint for you for what's dope about the album and what you can absolutely skip.

Without further adieu, I present the:

LONG.LIVE.ASAP REVIEW

1. Long Live A$AP

Right off the bat, ASAP drops some flames on us. The beat is fire, the lyrics are whatever, but the flow is great. The video is great too, but the chorus is an acquired taste. ASAP can't exactly sing at all, but after about 7 listens you start confusing him with Michael Bolton. I love this song.

2. Goldie

wooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! This song is pure greatness. In 2013, male rappers suffer from a masculinity problem, but this song is raw grits. Now don't think ASAP is on here dropping jewels by any means, he's actually super simple, but he manages to keep a consistent flow (looking at you Em and Jay Z), which goes along with the song perfectly. Think of Rocky like Aaron Rodgers, he's able to hide how bad his team is by being entertaining and being the best out there. Rocky's lyrics are so-so but he's able to hide it with a crazy beautiful beat and an impressive flow.

3. PMW (Feat. ScHoolboy Q)

I don't think there are two rappers who perfectly feed off of each other the way ScHoolboy and ASAP do. If you heard "Brand New Guy" by these two then you'd know you don't have to hear this song to know it is nothing short of greatness. Had anyone else in the "new school" rappers done this concept we would've ended up with something like, oh I don't know, "Every Girl" by YMCMBSELLOUT.

4. LVL

Clams Casino alert!!! If you don't know who that is then just go back and listen to LiveLoveASAP. This song is really peaceful, beautiful, simple, complex, just something to lay back to and chill. You don't have any worries when you listen to something like this. Again, Rocky isn't saying anything that's gonna make you rewind the song, but like "Bound 2", this is just meant to be enjoyed.

5. Hell (Feat. Santigold)

It sounds exactly like "LVL", but that's okay. ASAP has always been about making chill beats/songs and this is again just meant to be enjoyed. Rocky does step his lyric game up a tad, but don't even focus on that. Focus on the SONG, let it soothe you. Let Santigold kill that hook, let the production team relax you after a long day. Treat yo self.

6. Pain (Feat. OverDoz)

Bleeeeeehhhhhhhhh. Sounds like "LVL" and "Hell", so you could probably skip it if you're getting TOO relaxed. Like, it's an all right song, but it's the most mediocre thing so far on the album. It isn't a terrible song by any means, but you'll live without ever hearing it again.

7. F**kin' Problems (Feat. Every Lame Rapper Except Kendrick Lamar)

Everyone and their momma knows about this song. And it's actually pretty good. Even with that trash hook by 2 Chainzzzz, who still doesn't care about setting the rap game back about 20 years. 2 Chainz is trash. Then we move on to Rocky's verse where he again chooses style over substance, which is what this whole song basically is. I'm not mad at Rocky, but he was in cruise control for this one. Then we arrive at Drizzy Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. Who raps like thiiiiiiiiiiiiis, and thaaaaaaaaaaat andsometimesthrowsinsomethingeeeeellllssseeeeee. He talks about the staaaaaaaaars and maybe dissed Rhiaaaaannnaaaaaaaaa and weeeeeeeeed and the Beeeaaaaatlllleeesssss. And then he gets kindaaaaa gaaaaaaangstaaaaaa and then talks about his diiiiiiicccckkkkk. So then we arrive at Kendrick Lamar, and if you've seen the video, he wears the same exact thing as Rocky. I mean, it's whatever. He spit the best verse, so I'm not mad about it. See, when you can make good songs that don't suck, then you can get away with a lot of things.

8. Wild For The Night (Feat. Skrillex)

Yaaaahhhhh!!!!!! At first I was wondering what this monstrosity was that I was listening, and then I listened to it 12 more times and it's one of my favorite cuts on the album. When I first saw the tracklist and saw Skrillex's Hot Topic ass on there I was like, nooooooooo I'm not reeeaaaaddyyyy. But then he blessed us with a beautiful beat that sounds like Storm Troopers shooting at Luke and Han.

9. 1 Train (Feat. Kendrick Lamar, Joey BadA$$, Yelawolf, Danny Brown, Action Bronson, Not Drake, Big K.R.I.T.)

This was the song everyone was excited about. And I'm here to tell you this was the second mediocre track on the album. Like it isn't a bad song, but it isn't the monster we all thought it had the potential to be. ASAP spit a so so verse, I skip Joey BadA$$ every chance I can get, Yelawolf was just OKAY, not like he was spitting anything that made me wanna buy any of his music ever. So then we arrive at Danny Brown. I don't all the way co-sign him, but he did bring it on this track. Action Bronson spit the best verse and Big K.R.I.T. still refuses to capture what made his first mixtape so special. I don't know, it feels like there could have been a better roster for this track, like replace Yelawolf, K.R.I.T., and Joey BadA$$ with Run The Jewels. Also the beat is meeeeehhhhhhhh at best.

10. Fashion Killa

This song sounds like that one scene in every movie when the ugly girl and popular guy go to the mall to buy her some clothes. And the guy sits in a chair while the girl comes out in like 4 humorously ugly outfits that the guys keeps shaking his head "no" to. And then when he's tired of her trying on clothes she comes out in THE outfit that's going to make her a star. But you could skip this song and not miss anything.

11. Phoenix

The video is trash but the song is actually really great. Probably one of my favorites on the album. The beat is elegant, and ASAP doesn't do what all of his peers do, which is become emotionally naked and wounded. No, Rocky decides to retain his masculinity. This song had the potential to fly off the rails and become a J.Cole/Drake knockoff song, but ASAP brought it.

"If I shall ever fall Lord pick me up, ever since a baby two deuce in sippy cups, ever since my diapers and my zip-me-ups, now I'm walking on my own and ya'll wish me luck"

12. Suddenly

ASAP gets back to relaxing you with a chill beat. He paints a scene about growing up in New York and you're just kinda like "this song is good, but I'm about to fall asleep"....but then...man.

13. Jodeye

This song wasn't intentionally supposed to put you asleep, but it does. Zzzzzzzzz.

14. Ghetto Symphony (Feat. Gunplay and The Guy in the A$AP Mob Who Can't Rap)

Woooooo, we're back! I do love this song a lot, but you can definitely skip it after Gunplay spits. The songs goes along steadily until you get to ASAP Ferg. Man ASAP Ferg sucks. He also said he's gonna "gonna kill em like Big Boi" but he raps like he's stupid.

15. Angels

Now THIS song is a problem. If "Goldie" didn't exist, this would be the best song on the album. Maaaaaaaaaaaan this beat is beautiful and ASAP actually kinda kills it. Also the music video is terrific. This really should've been the closing song on the album, but beggars can't be choosers ya know? But I definitely recommend that you listen to this song because it's one of my favorites of 2013.

16. Like I'm Apart (Feat. Florence Welch)

Turn on the radio and you can hear about 234823049024 versions of this song. This really shouldn't have been as generic as it ended up being. Weak way to close out the album but all the glitter's can't be gold every time, right?

So there we have it. Is it better than the LiveLoveA$AP mixtape? Not really, but I do enjoy this album more. Rocky didn't do any lyrical backflips on this, but he maintained a consistency throughout the album that a lot of artists lack in this day in age. A lot of albums have about 4 fire joints, 2 really good joints, 1 "I could listen to this again some day" joint, and 8 filler joints. This album only had 4 moments of ehhhhhh to me, but even those songs weren't awful, they just didn't appeal to me personally.

Final Score: 4.5/5

The Walking Dead: Internment Review (and character rankings)

We had a nice little episode here of the plague that was wiping out the prison. The thing that really stuck out to me about this episode was the rise of Hershel. Hershel was like Obi-Wan in A New Hope where he doesn't do anything for 99.9999999% of the movie and then he ups and fights the most evil human in the galaxy. Hershel hasn't done anything but be a guiding hand and in this episode he finally decided to cure the sick and fight a few walkers with his bare hands.

Hershel was fixated on saving everyone this week and keeping their spirits up, even as he was losing himself. Think of Hershel as "Not Carol". Speaking of Carol, her hot streak finally ended (she was banished) this week. It was a sad week indeed, but a lot happened, and the walls of the prison are crumbling and the plague is wiping people out left and right (I assume it'll be fixed next week).

Also, can we talk about how NOBODY cared that my baby Carol was banished? Rick took one of the most beloved people within the group out on a drive and came back without her. When they asked Rick simply put on his sunglasses and said "It is what it is." But poor Daryl hasn't found out yet, so I assume we're going to have to see him get his heart broken for the second time on the series. :(

Also, THE RETURN OF THE GOOOOVERNOR!!! I have no clue what he's done for the past few months, but he's back and looking to raise hell!!!!

Not it is time for:

THE WALKING CHARACTER RANKINGS

1. Daryl Dixon (last week: 1)

Literally was in this episode for 5 seconds, but he had to great lines where he got to say "sumbitch" and he brought medicine. Hero!

2. Hershel Greene (last week: not ranked)

He got his faith back, he saved poor Glenn, he fought zombies with his bare hands, and he stuck a few ice picks through some skulls. "Not Carol" is doing just fine in a post-Carol world.

3. Rick Grimes (last week: 4)

He came back and said "Carol's gone" and nobody questioned it. Only Rick could get away with something like that. He also has to break the news to Daryl about Carol next week, and that can't be easy. Also, he let Carl sleep in. I rest my case.

4. Carl Grimes (last week: not ranked)

We're all still waiting for him to die, but he handled that zombie hoard pretty well. Are we taking over/under bets on Carl becoming a future serial killer yet??? He would've been ranked about poppa bear but that hat he still wears is STOOPID.

5. Maggie Greene (Rhee?) (last week: not ranked)

Maggie looked soooooOOoooo beautiful this week. Her hair is longer and she looks like she could kill someone with her knuckles. I looooooooove Maggie. <3

6. Lizzie (last week: not ranked)

I hate her but there were literally like 4 characters who did anything this episode.

7. Sasha (last week: not ranked)

She helped a little bit but she mostly felt like death the whole episode and that hindered her.

8. Hershel's Faith (last week: not ranked)

It's back!!!

9. Caleb (last week: not ranked)

He cried blood and told Hershel that he can't save everyone. Then he became a zombie. He didn't do much except state the obvious and die, but he was a minor role player that we at least knew the name of. So here's your send off Caleb.

10. THE GOVERNOR (last week: been dying to be ranked)

The Governor is BACK! After frolicking in the woods with his two friends all summer, The Governor is back and ready for revenge because he doesn't have anything else to do. The way he stared at the prison amongst the leaves of poison ivy was great.

Not Ranked:

Michonne
Bob Stoopid
Carol :(
Tyreese
Rick's Hair
Carl's Hat
The Governor's Eyepatch
Maggie's Aim
Maggie's Body Armor
Glenn

So there we have it. The episode started off boring as all get out, but as the time passed it geared up and became pretty anxiety inducing, mostly with Glenn laying there dying. I don't know who's gonna go next, but I'm liking Glenn's odds A LOT.

Final Score: 4/5

The Walking Dead: Indifference Review (and character rankings)

Wooooo!! This was probably the best episode of the season. It's no coincidence that the best episode happened far away from the prison, where The Walking Dead gets back to its season 1 roots of surviving in the wilderness. Whenever select members of the group venture out past their established base, the episode is usually a great one. It happened in season 2 when Rick and Shane were taking Randall out and it happened in season 3 when they went to rescue Glenn and Maggie. And it has happened again.

I won't get too much into the recap because you've probably already watched it, but I did like the Rick and Carol dynamic in this episode. Especially how different they were when they ran across Ana and the guy who looked like Devon Sawa in the "Stan" music video. So we'll call them Ana and Stan. The way Rick and Carol have evolved was on full display when deciding what to do with these two.

So let's move on to the character rankings because there's not much that can be said about this episode that I can't say here:

THE WALKING POWER RANKINGS

1. Daryl Dixon (last week: 1)

Come on...are you really shocked? He spun a rock between his fingers half the time and still accomplished the most. He calmed Bob Stoopid down with his patented "Daryl Touch" and had a few sweet zombie kills along the way and still managed to find the time to fix a car. Listen man, despite what you may think, Daryl is in the driver's seat for the MVP award this season.

2. Carol Peletier (last week: 2)

Woooo!! Carol has been on a hot streak the past 3 episodes and it doesn't look like she will be cooling down anytime soon. Speaking of cooling down, Carol is still cold blooded. She told little Lizzy to shut up and accept life and don't ever call her "mom", then popped a shoulder back in place, knifed Tyreese's girl (it was a flashback, but still), and then bounced at the end. I love it and you should too. She's making executive decisions and I am building 5 new rows of seats for the Carol bandwagon.

3. Michonne (last week: 6)

She didn't do much last week but she brought it this week. She had the best zombie kills and she finally gave up on her search for The Governor. That was real mature of her to let go of the last thing she really had to care about and I respect it.

4. Rick Grimes (last week: 3)

He was right about the Ana and Stan situation and he told Carol that she sucked so I was with it this week. Rick was scouting out Carol this episode and realized she really is cold blooded. She's no longer the flimsy woman who was being beating by Chris Brown her husband for merely breathing. Rick banished her pretty much and I have to give major props to him for finally breaking out of his Pepperidge Farm attitude and becoming the boss man again.

5. Tyreese (last week: 4)

Tyreeeeeese. Ever since his girl died he decided to wake up and become a man. I mean, he pulled a zombie to him, something that hasn't been done on this show before. He PULLED it towards himself so he could bash its brains in. How can you not love Sad Tyreese?

6. Ana (last week: not ranked)

She was pretty hot, but her leg was broken off and that was the end of that.

7. Stan (last week: not ranked)

He was weird, stupid, and disappeared at the end. But he was dating Ana and probably ditched her when he saw the zombies so I can dig it.

8. Bob Stookey (last week: 7)

This dude either sucks or is tolerable. And this week he sucked. Hey, Bob, SHUT UP.

9. Bob Stoopid's Drinking Problem (last week: not ranked)

Bob almost died for his stash and almost killed Daryl. This is going to be an interesting thing to keep an eye on throughout the season.

10. Rick Grimes' Hair

It looked really fluffy and shiny. Weird considering they aren't really using any hair care products are they?

Not Ranked:

Everyone at the prison
Sasha
Lizzy
Carol's Heart
Carl's Comics
Good Kush and Alcohooool
The Glorified Cold
The Zombie That Looked Like Hershel

So there it is, this was a solid episode that showcased the evolution these characters have undergone since the first season. The war is no longer with the zombies, it's within themselves now. And I like it!

Final Score: 5/5

The Walking Dead: Isolation Review (and character rankings)

All right. The Walking Dead is no longer reliant on zombies to advance the story, we're headed towards new territory now. It almost parallels history; there's a new society, population increases, a plague wipes out said population. And along with a killer plague running rampant, we're getting deeper into the true nature of certain characters (one by the name of Carol).

Carol ended up being the one that committed the murder last week (gasp!) and Rick was able to find out by squatting over the crime scene, resting his hand on his chin, and squinting. I see why he was such a respected cop now. Carol is cold blooded, which has been evident this season, she has ice in her veins and fire in her eyes. So should we side with her? Should we support her killing off two people that maybe (absolutely not) could have been saved? This system they have at the prison is beginning to crack. The seams are coming apart, and it's only a matter of time before their leader, Rick the greatest detective of all time, loses his marbles.

Aside from Rick's mental state and Carol becoming a cold blooded killer, we have the sickness wiping out the prison population. Of course there are only two sick people that we care about, Glenn and Sasha. If they end up not being able to find medicine and these are the fates these characters meet, then it will be a stumble on the writers' part. Sasha can go out by a glorified cold because we haven't really gotten to know her, but Glenn...no. Glenn is a fan favorite and has been with us since the beginning. For his fate to possibly be to a sickness is unacceptable.

Another thing about this episode I really enjoyed was separating Tyreese, Daryl, Bob Stookey (Deangelo Barksdale?) and Michonne from the group. We now have a subplot with all the likable character while the people who we don't really mind if they get sick are back at the prison. We're having two storylines: one awesome and one not so awesome. We are making progress here!!!

Now it is time for: THE WALKING POWER RANKINGS

1. Daryl Dixon (last week: 1)

Surprised? The way he drove that car into a horde of zombies, got stuck, had a plan for survival, popped out of the sunroof, OUT OF THE SUNROOF, and used the crossbow/knife combo is probably going to keep him at #1 for a long time coming. Nobody is dethroning Daryl. He almost lost it when Tyreese was going to beat him up, but his "Daryl touch" calmed the wild man down. Only Daryl.

2. Carol Peletier (last week: 8)

Don't call it a comeback!!! Carol is becoming a fan favorite and a killer. The way she held her composure while the zombies were closing in on her and her knife kills are only making her more endearing. I'm on the Carol bandwagon, no, I'm DRIVING the bandwagon, hop aboard!!!!!

3. Rick Grimes (last week: 2)

He beat up Tyreese and shot a zombie or two. Other than that he didn't really do much. Oh wait, he discovered a murder scene in less than 10 seconds!!!! Tyreese would be above Rick, but Rick beat Tyreese to a pulp, so by default he wins. But barely.

4. Tyreese (last week: not ranked)

Here's the comeback of the century!!! After getting beat up and embarrassed, Tyreese was ready to just kill himself. His sister is sick, his girl is gone, and his manhood left him a long time ago. He decides to go on a run for medicine and guess what...he RAGES!!! He was evolving right before our eyes and he took out a hammer and killed a solid 302940384984 zombies. #TeamTyreese

5. Hershel Greene (last week: 6)

He's doing a lot for a man with one leg. He's making tea for the sick, letting them cough up blood on his face and he's not taking anything from anyone. I don't know how much longer Hershel has left, but he's the orderly grandpa who is happy where he is. If something happens and the group decides to move...I don't think he has much more left in him.

6. Michonne (last week: 7)

She didn't really do anything. But she had a few sweet sword kills, so why not?

7. Bob Stookey (last week: 9)

DeAngelo Barksdale Bob Stookey is starting to win me over again. He's not the traitor that I thought he was going to be and he's proving to be useful to the group. I like it and you should like it. Without the medic, this prison is going to be wiped out. Embrace him.

8. Hershel's Ponytail (last week: not ranked)

Rick's beard has been dethroned!!!!

9. Bandanas (last week: not ranked)

They're making everyone look cool, they're protecting them from disease, and they'd be a great accessory for when the characters go to battle. But who wore the bandanna best?? (Daryl, Glenn, Hershel, Carol).

10. Rick's Hat (last week: not ranked)

Sure, it was on Carl's head and it makes him look stupid. I wish he'd wear it more often.

Not Ranked:

Beth Greene
Carl Grimes
Tyreese's Manhood
Sasha
Rick's Beard
Maggie Greene
Gleen Rhee
The Tree Zombie
Bob Stookey's Drinking Problem
The Glorified Cold
Carl's Gun/Silencer

Overall this was the best episode of the season and I'm excited about the new territory we're headed towards. I thought the 3rd season wouldn't be able to be topped, and it still hasn't, but the potential this show has only gets bigger and better. I'm liking it. This was a good episode but I have to dock some points because Beth's coolness is starting to waver and Carl left a zombie in the woods. DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FARM THE LAST TIME YOU LEFT A ZOMBIE IN THE WOODS, CARL? OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY WEARING THAT STUPID HAT?

Final Score: 4.5/5

Bad Grandpa Review

I wasn't excited about this movie. I walked into the theater expecting it to be packed. I see a row with 4 open seats, me and my company take up two seats, so there's no way someone sits next to us. The theater gradually fills up more and more as the commercials roll on. It's mostly college kids with the IQ of a stone. You can hear them breathe and shuffle their feet as if they were trolls. They move slowly and stupidly. People sit next to me. Their cologne takes over. Their laughter is uproarious. The movie is a lot funnier to them than it is to me, but is that because of the experience or the movie?

Bad Grandpa is the latest effort from the Jackass crew. Usually their movies involve stunts that make you squirm because of how painful it looks, but this film was more about pranking people, which was a little different than what we're used to from these guys.

While the hidden camera genre has been around since sometime in the 40s, it was Sacha Baron Cohen who revolutionized the category with Borat and Bruno. He made it scripted hidden camera, which is what Bad Grandpa sets out to do. Is it as good as Cohen's work? No. But it is effective.

The big problem hidden camera movies often run into is their long runtime. These things can only be funny for so long. Borat and Bruno both ran 30 minutes too long. Bad Grandpa actually ends it right on time, maybe 5 minutes too long but that's neither here nor there.

The heart of Bad Grandpa is the interaction and chemistry between Johnny Knoxville and Jackson Nicoll, who play Irving and Billy. When you watch this movie, you never think to yourself that you're watching Johnny Knoxville, no, he made his character believable, which was actually quite shocking. There were scenes where you'd completely forget this is affiliated with the Jackass crew. The most effective moments are the few serious scenes Knoxville has, which he plays quite convincingly.

Jackson Nicoll, who plays Billy, ended up stealing the show. He was hilarious and he's actually been in a couple big movies, but nobody recognizes him/cares. His interactions with unsuspecting adults were hysterical. And his dance during the toddler pageant has been shown over and over again in the commercials, but it's still amusing.

Johnny Knoxville: A+

What more can you say? He was funny. He didn't overdo it and he remained committed to his character. There were situations where he could have potentially been put in harms way, but he attacks each obstacle with a sort of fearlessness that you ultimately have to respect. Knoxville has always been funny, but as of lately (the last 5 years) we have forgotten about Knoxville and the Jackass crew? Why is that? Back in 2007 there was nothing in the world cooler than Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, and Bam Margera. Now that they have all came in went, let me tell you something, Johnny Knoxville doing this by himself is 10x better than anything he did with them.

Jackson Nicoll: A+

Impressionable, a dirty mouth, innocent, and not all there. That is the perfect formula for comedic success with children. Usually movies try to make us think a kid cursing is somehow shocking and hilarious (it never is), but Nicoll manages to pull it off with ease. It's worth the price of admission to see him call another man dad, trust me.

The movie ran longer than it should have, but the final 20 minutes are the best parts. Just hope you see it with people who have some trace of intellect. This movie isn't on par with Bruno or Borat but it does a solid job of reminding us why those movies were so funny. And if this means we are getting more Johnny Knoxville and a lot less (and by that I mean absolutely none) Jackass, then we may just be headed for a bright and funny future. This is a humorous movie, but don't be fooled by everyone around you, it's a lot funnier to them.

Final Score: 3/5

Throwback Review: (500) Days of Summer

(Yes, this movie came out forever ago. No, we aren't seeing this for the first time. Once a week, a new addition to 100 Black Dolphins will write a throwback review to a movie that's already been out for a few years. If you see parenthesis scattered throughout the article, that's just me reinforcing or countering an idea or point. So now, I present you with our new writer and his review of an infuriatingly great movie called 500 Days of Summer)

I think it's safe to say that I've never been this surprised by a movie before and that's because there are three types of movies I usually like to steer clear of:

1. Movies based off video games, because they usually suck
2. Horror movies, because you almost never see something new in them
3. And finally, romantic movies, because they give girls these crazy, unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be like.

I thought 500 Days was going to fall straight into category three, but I was very, very wrong. This movie tells the story of Tom, played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who works at a place that comes up with the ideas for greeting cards. He meets a co-worker named Summer, played by Zooey Deschanel, whom he falls in love with. The only problem for our boy Tom here is that Summer has a weird, messed up logic where she doesn't believe in true love (like 99% of girls in the world amiright??). Before I get on to any more of the movie though, let's talk about the performances.

Joseph Gordon- Levitt: A+

This movie's two main strengths are its super original plot and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. When I first saw JGL in this movie, I thought he was going to be like one of those guys that would tweet things like "all I really care about is making a girl happy" (be honest, you know guys like that who lost their masculinity during the internet age), but once again, I was wrong. He ends up absolutely stealing the show. Any guy that's ever struck out with a girl, been rejected, or been left for someone else can relate to this dude (basically every guy in the world). He perfectly portrays how a guy feels in a relationship, which is what made this movie so enjoyable to me. He really shows how fast you can go from loving all the small things in a girl to absolutely hating them once they've wronged you. He totally just kills it in this movie. He's a lot more like the average guy than you think, and that's what makes it so great.

Zooey Deschanel: A

Man, this woman used to annoy me SO MUCH. Like, her and Russell Brand used to be the only people I hated as much as Kristen Stewart (Russell Brand is still up there). But this movie is already full of surprises, so let's just throw another one in there. Zooey Deschanel is really, really good in this movie. Honestly she's borderline amazing for about 95% of the movie. The other 5% is what keeps me from giving her an A+. To me, she just acts too nice sometimes and there are moments where I can't buy that she's actually really bitter inside, which really sucks because it took me out of the movie at times. I can't complain about it too much though, because this will probably be the best we ever see of her.

Geoffrey Arend: B+

This guy plays a really cool wing man and a pretty sweet best friend to Tom. Sadly though, he isn't in the movie nowhere near as much as he should be. It's not his fault, but it sucks because he was awesome.

Matthew Gray Gubler: D

This guy just kinda pops in at some points in the movie and really doesn't add anything to it. He wasn't needed at all. DUMB. (I disagree with this!)

Chloe Grace Moretz: C

Yes, just about everyone's favorite part of Kick-Ass, Hit-Girl, is in this movie. Sadly, her character seemed like it was written by a middle-schooler. She plays like some 7th grader who just drops knowledge on JGL about girls when he shows up around her. All the things she says are really true, but I just can't buy it coming from a 12-year-old. Like Zooey Deschanel at times, she wasn't believable and it took me out of the movies at some points. The only thing that stops me from giving her a lower grade is that it is Chloe Grace Mortez, and she's an awesome actress and anyone else would have made this the most unwatchable character ever. (And she gets a C?? You all can see me Stan over Chloe Grace in the Carrie Review.)

The Narrator: A+

This dude's voice is pretty groovy.

Back to the movie now. The only things I have wrong with it are a couple of unrealistic character portrayals, it doesn't really go anywhere for like ten minutes in the middle of it, and there's a guy in there who's pretty pointless. The director, Marc Webb (he's currently directing The Amazing Spider-Man series), is a real champ though. He took a really original story and directed this movie in way that I've never seen anything like. Plus, it has a non-linear plot, which makes it even more awesome (that means it isn't told directly from beginning to end, guys). It's definitely worth a watch though, especially if you're a dude that has trouble with the ladies. Then again, that might just be me.

So in the end, when you add up an original story, really good performances (for the most part), and awesome directing, you get this off-the-wall romantic comedy that has some good drama sprinkled into it, and ends up being nothing short of a really fun movie.

Final Score: 4/5

The Walking Dead: Infected Review

After the average season premier, the second episode of The Walking Dead was a lot better. Some big things happened, people died (nobody you'd care about), and Carl is still doing Carl things. There were a lot of things that happened in this episode that kind of redeemed the premier. Think of the premier like World War 1, it was just the set up to something bigger.

The first thing that was popping in this episode was that someone has been feeding rats to the walkers. (insert shocked emoji) Who in the world is doing this?? There's a traitor in the prison, someone in Cell Block 4 (it's actually D Block but I like the CB4 reference better) is turning on the group. Is it someone working for the governor by any chance?? Either Rick or Darryl better figure out who it was, because they also burned some bodies (probably saved a few lives though), upsetting that feminine wallflower Tyrone.

We then move on to the attack. The Walking Dead has always been really solid about executing zombie attacks and this one was no different. It was really great to see Darryl in action, and even Glenn (GLENN!!) sliced up a few walkers. We were robbed of Michonne however, she broke her foot or tore her ACL or something like that. A bunch of minor characters died, so with less characters we don't care about, we are moving into established character territory (slowly but surely).

After the attack came the saddest part of the episode: the pigs. The pigs are apparently carrying some kind of spanish flu that is making everyone sicker and rapidly causing them to turn. So Rick and Darryl slice up the pigs and feed them to the walkers, which was sad to see. Even Rick got emotional and his face just screamed "This is what my life has become," which was hard to watch.

Carl ends up ratting out Carol about teaching kids how to kill zombies, two girl's dad dies, Michonne gets super emotional while holding a baby, Tyrone's girl is burned to a crisp along with someone else, and it looks like Rick is about to lose it. We are heading towards exciting territory here!!!!

Now let's move on to the weekly power rankings:

1. Darryl Dixon (last week: 1)

He's still the bad ass of the group. He'll never be the leader, but the fan favorite bounty hunter (think of him as Bobba Fett) will not be knocked out of the top spot anytime soon. Darryl had a few nice zombie kills, and his contribution to the group as the killer with a stable mental mind is only going to help them all going forward.

2. Rick Grimes (last week: 3)

All right we have a shakeup in the rankings!! Rick moves up because he shut up and became a quiet leader the group needed. He also didn't freak out when Carl ratted out Carol. I give him major props for that. And killing live pigs is the furthest thing from easy. Your mental state may be in shambles this week, Rick Grimes, but you're slowly crawling your way back into my heart.

3. Glenn Rhee (last week: 5)

Wooooo Glenn hopped right up here because of two things: he had a sweet zombie kill and he took a pic of his girl while she was asleep. Glenn is still the most normal of the group, which is going to come in handy when Rick has an inevitable breakdown (it's coming).

4. Rick Grimes' Beard (last week: 4)

Maintaining it's number 4 spot is the great beard of Rick Grimes, which I was afraid would be shaven. But it better watch out because Hershel's ponytail is starting to make some noise.

5. Patrick (last week: not ranked)

This all happened because of Patrick, so it only felt right to put him here. His impact on the episode was probably the biggest out of any character here. He caused the riot, they discovered a new kind of sickness because of him, and because of that we are heading into a whole new territory for The Walking Dead. All because of Patrick. Or the pigs...drats I should've put the pigs here.

6. Hershel Greene (last week: 6)

Still the wise one of the group. He's figuring everything out and surviving huge zombie attacks with one leg. He's bound to climb the rankings any day now.

7. Michonne (last week: 2)

What a drop off. It wasn't all her fault to be honest. She broke her leg or something like that during the beginning of the attack, so her swordsmanship was taken from us. It's like when you have a star player go down with an injury during a regular season game. It sucks at the time, but they'll eventually come back. We trust you, Michonne!!!

8. Carol Peletier (last week: not ranked)

Carrrroooolll!!! She's cold blooded. She also thought quickly on her feet when she went to amputate the infected dad, which didn't work out too well in the end. She's also teaching kids to toughen up, which she's actually the perfect candidate for because she's gone through physical abuse and losing her child over the course of the series. Carol has come the longest way since the start of the show, which is wonderful because my patience was thin for her in the middle of season 2.

9. Bob Stookey (last week: not ranked)

He didn't get on my nerves this episode, which is what moved him up. He also figured out the flu. If the writers ignore his cliche Hollywood drinking problem, then he has the power to move up the rankings. But he probably won't and I'm more than okay with that.

10. Carl Grimes (last week: not ranked)

Only because nobody else was worthy of this spot. He saved Michonne, so that counts for something. But he ratted out Carol. But he didn't cry because he didn't get his comics. But he's rocking skinny jeans (where are they getting these skinny's???). If Tyreese gets some dignity then he can get back into the rankings.

Not Ranked:

Rick's Hat
Tyreese
Tyreese's Manhood
Beth Greene
Carl's Comics
Sasha
The Traitor
Darryl's Bandanna (should've been ranked)
The Two Daughters
Darryl and Carol's Romance
Hayley Williams

This was an overall good episode. It was actually a great episode that managed to save an average start to the season. I'm docking off a few points because Beth broke my trust and started singing again. I had high hopes for her and she flashed such potential in the season opener, but she went riiiiight back to her ways. Also Tyreese HAS to man up. T-Dog did it and he only said two sentences throughout his time on the series. Tyreese, put down the showtunes and pick up an axe or something. DO SOMETHING!!

Final Score: 4/5

Carrie Review

I watched the movie Carrie last night, and went into it with a "meh, this movie might be okay" attitude. I wasn't all that excited to see a probably mediocre movie. I wasn't about to slap a bunch of seven year olds off their little bikes while they were delivering the morning paper so that I could be first in line when the movie opened. Oh, why did I go in with that mindset to a movie that stars Chloe Grace Moretz and Julianne Moore? Let me back up a little bit...

I was about 10 years old when I saw the original Carrie with Sissy Spacek and John Travolta. I remember the movie scaring me, but not because the content was scary, but because Sissy's eyes creeped me out. Her eyes are so unique that it scared me. Piper Laurie, who played her mother Margaret, was undeniably scary as well. I still think about her sometimes and the way she scared me. She was never motherly, only psychotic and religious, which was the point of her character. I mean, man...

I watched that movie when I was 10. I couldn't comprehend the religious tones, the insults, the periods, or the fact that John Travolta could be a bad guy. All I saw was the cool guy from Pulp Fiction (I sneaked and watched these movies when my parents went to bed...whoops) and a lot of blood and people getting killed. That's literally all I took away from the movie when I was 10...oh and the boobs too. That was awesome.

I watched the movie again last year at age 20. I watched it one day on Netflix because I was sick and confined to my bed. I saw the movie on there and thought to myself "hmmm, I don't remember a thing about that movie except for John Travolta, a scary mom, boobs, a period and Sissy Spacek being the scariest looking human alive". I looked at the Rotten Tomatoes rating for the movie: 91%. I checked Roger Ebert's (R.I.P. big homie) site, he gave it three and a half stars out of four. I'm in!!! I'm going to love this movie, I never appreciated the original horror masterpiece when I was 10 (other than the boobs), but I can't wait to fully value a genius work of art written by one of the greatest literary minds of our time, Stephen King. So I watch it again, fully prepared to love this movie that everyone tells me to love.

HELL NOOOOOO. That movie was trash. The original Carrie sucked so much that the boob scene wasn't even cool anymore. Don't ever come up to me and tell me that movie is a masterpiece because you're lying to me. That movie was worse than trash. That movie was supremely overrated, much like The Shawshank Redemption, yeah, I didn't like that movie, what are you going to do about it? I get why people like the original Carrie, but there are probably 1,000,000,000,000 movies I'd rather watch instead. I mean, the movie was so bad that I can't remember a thing that happened. Seriously, I saw it last year and I don't even know if Sissy Spacek said a word during the movie.

That's a little backstory as to why I wasn't stoked to watch a remake of a movie I forgot all about as I was watching it.

The remake begins with Juliane Moore in pain, bleeding on her bed, wondering what kind of cancer she has (she's just pregnant). She's having this baby, but she's convinced she's dying of cancer from seXXX. The baby pops out, and Moore goes to stab it with some scissors (this was disturbing), but she couldn't. She holds the baby, cradling it, living in her own delusional world.

We fast forward a few years, and see Moretz as Carrie, being bullied at school. My big problem with the school bullying was that it was way too obvious. This is 2013, girls aren't going to openly destroy you in front of everyone. This is an accepting time period, a time where girls merely subtweet and trash you subtly behind your back. People have such a need to be liked nowadays, that there's no way a girl will go out of her way to openly humiliate someone in public. Whatever, that's just a minor complaint.

The other weird thing about the school was the huge emphasis on prom. Again, this is 2013, prom is nowhere close to ruining your whole life for as it was in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Also, Tommy Ross is the star Lacrosse player and the most popular boy in school. As stated earlier, this is 2013. This is supposed to be a remake of an old, terrible movie but its customs seem stuck in another generation. Of course there was the accentuation on smart phones, propelling you to think "SEE THIS TECHNOLOGY?! THIS IS TECHNOLOGY THEY ARE DIFFERENT FROM THE ORIGINAL MOVIE".

Now, I don't want to compare this movie to its predecessor, I'm reviewing this as a stand alone film. And there are a lot of moments in the movie where you wondered if the director sent a 40 year old to a high school to learn their formalities. But these are just minor grievances that can be overlooked in the final product. But anyway, let's move on to the performances.

Chloe Graze Moretz: A

She's the foundation of this movie. She's a great actress, always has been, and at 16, her future is as bright as can be. One of the main reasons this movie doesn't work in 2013 is because Moretz is naturally pretty. She's too pretty to be bullied at school. Sissy Spacek was perfect for the role because she looked like someone who would've been bullied in school. She was gauche and scary. Moretz is way too pretty to be a victim. The only real hiccup in the movie was the way they handled her awkwardness. Subtlety isn't the film's strong point (which it needs to be to be believable in 2013), and aside from that, she turns in a solid performance. I also loved that the studio went with an actual teenager instead of a 30 year old playing an 18 year old. You'd be surprised how much more conceivable it is when the actors and actresses are the appropriate age. This movie doesn't work without Moretz, anyone else in this role would have been a disappointment.

Julianne Moore: A+

Man, she wasn't as scary as Piper Laurie was in the original (but then again, who was?) but she was so solid in this movie. Julianne Moore is so great because of how consistently good she is in her movies. Moore is truly an underrated actress, who always manages to hold her own in any movie. In Carrie, she gives off a truly scary vibe, but is motherly when the time calls for it. Moore manages to go from being despised to being needed, always able to redeem herself after doing something repugnant. That's a tough feat for actors and actresses, to be able to sway our emotions, and when they do it, the performance is truly remarkable. The interactions between Moore and Moretz, two top notch actresses from different generations, was beautiful. It was also wonderful to see women on display, this movie was also directed by a woman, so kudos to this powerful triangle of talented women.

Gabriella Wilde: C+

Yeahhhhh she's meant to be hot. She does an okay job of fake caring, but this role literally could have gone to anyone else and had the same impact. The role of Carrie and her mother work so well because those two actresses are so wonderful that they made those roles their own. The Sue character though? If you're hot you can play this part.

Portia Doubleday: B-

She was actually pretty decent as the school bully who was weirdly obsessed with prom. Why didn't she just wait and go to the after party? There were literally like 30 people at the prom in the school gym that had decorations that looked like they were done by a 5th grader. Why would she go out of her way to be mean to Carrie? Why would she risk going to jail for a school dance? It's 2013 and prom is not a big deal anymore.

Ansel Elgort: B

The surprise of the movie!!! In the beginning he's only in the movie to flex as hard as he can and be the pretty popular guy. But as the movie goes on, you actually end up loving the guy. The character of Tommy Ross could've gone to anyone, but I don't think anyone could have made the role as likable as Elgort did. It was a pleasant surprise.

Judy Greer: B

Nothing memorable, but she did drop a solid performance. Her character as the teacher with a heart of gold didn't require her to go above and beyond the call of duty. She had a little scene with Portia Doubleday where they are getting heated, but the acting did exactly what it was supposed to do and nothing more. In fact, outside of the two fantastic leads, everyone sort of played their roles the way they were meant and that was that. It's not a bad thing necessarily, but a movie will never be memorable without distinctive roles.

The movie itself was really good when you get past the small flaws. The thing I think I liked most were the moral consequences. Good people lived, bad people died, as opposed to the original Carrie where everyone died. Of course the bucket scene with Tommy Ross was stupid, but I understood WHY it happened. In the end, this Carrie was more likable and wasn't just a demonic monster. And honestly, Chloe Moretz outshines Sissy Spacek, even though Spacek had the look for the role. Piper Laurie was scarier as Margaret White, but Julianne Moore made the role her own (something I really appreciated). Everyone else fit into their roles and blended into the background behind the phenomenal performances of Julianne Moore and Chloe Grace Moretz.

I'm all for remakes, I am, I love the idea. Of course the remakes rarely eclipse the original (21 Jump Street was more of a "sequel", but it surpassed the TV show by lightyears), but Carrie was better than the original, not SCARIER, better. Both movies hold up well on their own, so it's really a matter of preference. If you don't have a significant tie to the original, then the remake will be enjoyable, but it's understandable that someone who was around for the initial impact Carrie had in 1976 may not prefer the updated version. But I do. Because the 1976 movie was not a very good movie, to me.

This movie is very much in the running for one of my personal awards at the end of the year, The Surprise Movie Of The Year (more on that at a later date). If you're wondering whether or not you should see the remake of Carrie or wait until it comes to Redbox because you don't want to sit in a theater with a bunch of college kids that have the IQ of a bean, take the risk and go see it.

Final Score: 3.5/5