Because The Internet Review

Childish Gambino doesn't need any introductions. Some of you might know him as that sorta-but-not-really funny comedian/actor from Community. Some of you might know him as the nerdy hipster who wants to be taken seriously as a rapper.

Gambino dropped Camp a year or so ago to pretty decent reviews. I personally thought the album sucked. But I can see why some of you are into it. Childish Gambino is following the mold of Odd Future in that he doesn't want to be a stereotypical rapper, he just wants to be himself. Which there's nothing wrong with that if it's executed correctly.

But the thing with Childish Gambino and his music is that it's STOOPID. I don't really mess with his music, like at all. But I figured I could give him another chance. Maybe he stops rapping in that "I'm ironically rapping" voice? Maybe he extends his act beyond "I'm not a rapper but I wanna be taken seriously as a rapper while at the same time not acting like a black person but I hate when people tell me I'm not black enough I'm just myself and I like Asians and have lots of sex but let me throw in something here and there about racism to show you I can be serious too" Man idk.

Side bar: 2013 has been too much. I'm all about big names releasing albums, but what in the entire hell is 2014 going to look like? Literally everyone and their moms have released an album this year. And 80% of those albums have suuuuccckkkkeeeed. Mostly looking at Yeezus.

So let's head into this album and see if it can join Long.Live.A$AP, Wolf, My Name Is My Name and MMLP2 as the good albums to come out this year. I now present you with:

Because The Internet Review

1. The Library (Intro)

Tryna waste 5 seconds of your life?

2. Crawl

5 seconds into this song and the beat is already better than anything on that trashcan Camp. The hook is nice too. But Childish Gambino isn't really saying anything at all on here. Like he's stringing together words and making them rhyme, but there's not really any substance to it. Not every song has to have a subject though, just look at 60% of Eminem's catalog, but I don't even get what Childish Gambino is trying to accomplish here unless it's to intentionally sound stupid, which is such a waste because this song had a looooot of potential. But apparently this is following along with the screenplay he wrote for this album. Oh gosh this is going to be one of those "You just don't get it" Yeezus type situations.

3. WORLDSTAR

Childish Gambino better slow down on these fire beats or he's going to alienate his fan base. I'm a fan of THIS Childish Gambino. He's keeping with the whole "internet" theme and exposing how anyone can get famous off of a stupid video. I think? Whatever, I'm a fan of it. There's a few moments in the song where he starts to go off track for the sake of rhyming, but he comes back in. Then the beat at the end switches up into some illustrious elegance, sounding like a lonely rainy day on that Hey, Arnold show. Super jazzy and sweet. Take away the first 3 minutes of this song and only keep this beautiful outro and we have the song of the year. Let this snazzy jazzy outro engross all of your senses and enjoy the ride.

4. Dial Up

There's no reason for this to be here.

5. The Worst Guys (Feat. Chance The Rapper)

Ion really listen to Chance The Rapper like that, but he doesn't really have a presence on the song because he's singing harmoniously with Gambino on the hook. The beat is silky smooth and enjoyable, building on that unnecessary "Dial Up" interlude. I did, however, really appreciate the "apartheid" line. Nas would've found a way to make that historically inaccurate, but I thought it was a clever little line. Childish Gambino fans won't get that though. Look it up and educate yourselves. YOU AIN'T DO THE EDUCATION. But yeah, this song is tight.

6. Shadows

This sounds like a leftover cut from Camp, which means I don't have to spend anymore of my valuable time listening to it!

7. Telegraph Ave ("Oakland" By Lloyd)

Can't wait to never listen to this again.

8. Sweatpants

Now normally when you see a song titled "Sweatpants", your expectations are historically low. The song was okaaaaaaaaay. Not really bringing anything to the table other than existing. He's making fun of rich people and the culture in case you need someone to spell it out for you or if your were feeling like tweeting him, "@DonaldGlover U CHANGED BRUH WHY DOSE THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN? SELL OUT #mad #upset #waistofmoney"

9. 3005

So this is the first official single off the song. The beat sounds like the theme song from Rugrats or something like that. I also don't support Gambino singing at all. Basically go listen to any song off of Nothing Was The Same and simultaneously listen to the Rugrats theme and you'll have this song.

10. Playing Around Before The Party Starts

Make this about 3 minutes longer and you'd have a buttery smooth track.

11. The Party

So I guess the party started????? CLEVER!! I don't really support the hook at all but he goes in for a solid 30 seconds. Silver linings people!

12. No Exit

This song sounds like torture porn.

13. Death By Numbers

Sweet another song where nothing happens!

14. Flight of the Navigator

MAN I DON'T KNOW. I don't really support anything like this at all. This is just STOOPID. I couldn't hit the skip button fast enough.

15. Zealots of Stockholm (Free Information)

Can we call him Yeezus Gambino yet? Because I definitely see what he's been doing. He also tried to get a little deep and touch on the "same-sex"marriage and his doubts about religion. But don't be fooled into thinking he's about to drop some mad philosophy. All style no substance here.

16. Urn

Sounds like a 90s R&B song, and not one of the classics. I don't understand why he feels the need to waste our time like this. At least he stopped doing his Kanye impression and moved on to The Weeknd.

17. Pink Toes (Feat. Jhene Aiko)

Yeezus Gambino, The Creator. That's all you need to know about him. But Jhene Aiko comes in with her silky smooth voice. Woooooooo, take off that identity crisis having mofo and let Jhene Aiko sing this whole thing.

18. Earth: The Oldest Computer (The Last Night) (Feat. Azealia Banks)

Childish Gambino is trying to be Tyler, The Creator, Drake, Yeezus, and now Kid Cudi. MAN BE YOURSELF. He's like Game man, just tries to be like other people. This sucks.

19. Life: The Biggest Troll

This song is better than the last 13 songs, but it's not anything to get excited about. Thankfully he's not really having his identity crisis on this song. But yeah I don't exactly need to ever hear this song ever again. Maybe I just don't understand why rappers are dying to use futuristic space beats/themes.

So we got through the album and it sucked. Which is weird because the first 5 songs were great. Childish Gambino reeeaaaallllllyyyyy needs to figure out who he wants to be. Because Kid Yeezus Gambino, The Creator isn't cutting it at all. But let's talk about the positives! His voice has improved a lot, along with his lyrics. The beats are a lot better. And if this album had only been 5 songs long it would've been the best joint all year. But alas, he fell into the trap that a lot rappers fall into, which is releasing an album with too many songs. And this one was about 14 songs too long.

Also, I didn't realize it until just now that Indicud was released this year. Totally forgot about that album. Wanna know why? Because it was awful.

Final Score: 2/5

Tropico Review

Man listen, nobody loves Lana Del Rey more than I do. I thought her last album, Born To Die, was the best album of 2012. In my eyes, Lana is the G.O.A.T. But a lot of people don't see her the way I do.

They point to that god awful SNL performance where she sang 6 octaves too low. Or something like that. And she just kinda stood there. I mean, the performance wasn't anything to re-watch ever again, but it wasn't the worst thing in the history of ever, ya know?

But anyway, Lana Del Rey has taken a good year and a half to herself to basically do nothing (she did drop that gem "Young and Beautiful"). Then a few months ago she announced she was dropping a little passion project she's been working on, the short film Tropico. Now nobody really knew what to expect because the picture for the film was her and an albino fellow wearing leaf underwear. But Lana has always been great when it comes to videos/monologues (see: the last 2 minutes of the "National Anthem" video). So naturally we were expecting a lot, right?

She dropped the trailer for it a week or so ago and the world went bonkers. We were like "This could be like that 'Runaway' short film Kanyeezus dropped a few years ago, except this one might actually be good." I mean, the trailer showed us a video full of strippers, guns, religious undertones, and death. Basically this was going to be the greatest thing ever.

Tropico dropped today at 11 AM on Vevo (I think Vevo is stupid and artists really need to leave that behind). I settle in to watch the most beautiful woman on the face of this planet bless me with her artistic creativity for 30 minutes. So without further adieu I present:

The Tropico Review

So this thing starts off in the Garden of Eden, Lana as Eve and Shaun Ross (you all might recognize him from that "E.T." video with Katy Perry which I didn't know about until I looked him up on Google) as Adam. Lana is praying to John Wayne, who is accompanied by Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Jesus because when you're a hipster, things don't really have to make sense. But I guess it kinda follows up with the theme of "Body Electric".

While Lana sings "Body Electric," she and Ross dance like an awkward couple at a dance club. Actually, they dance like this:



But anyway, so we move past the horrible dancing. Lana then goes to eat the forbidden apple and Marilyn Monroe, John Wayne, and Elvis have a conniption fit because this all is bound to make sense soon, right?

So we pick up with Lana stripping and Ross working at a convenience store. Lana starts her little narrative here where she really just says a bunch of words and expects us to know what it all means. Like she's saying a lot of things, but she isn't really saying anything.

The whole video treads along like this, with intermittent cuts of her songs. She sings "Gods and Monsters" and "Bel-Air". Lana's boyfriend has a freakout at his convenience store (you never find out why), they (maybe) rob a group of guys getting lapdances, Lana strips, Lana says a bunch of words, and then they dance in a cornfield and float into the air.

Maybe I just didn't get it, but this video was stupid. Like it didn't make any sense. I was expecting a lot more from Lana, but I'm sure all these random shots of her drinking soda out of a 2 liter makes sense to philosophy majors. I guess there was some symbolism; like their life begins perfect, then after Lana eats the apple their lives are terrible and full of sin, and then by the end after stripping and robbing people they are free of sin and can float in the sky. Or something like that.

I just don't really understand how robbing people cleanses you of sin? Like, how can you hold a gun to someone's head and then float into the sky to meet John Wayne?

Oh yeah, Lana also announced her new album is called Ultraviolence. Woooo!!!!!

Final Score: 1/5

The Walking Dead: Too Far Gone Review (and character rankings)

Where have "The Walking Dead" reviews been at these past 2 weeks????? I'll tell you where: nowhere. Because the Governor's storyline is mad boring. But for the sake of complaining here;s a summary of the past two weeks: The Governor walks around, finds a new group, takes a liking to a girl that looks like Maggie, plans to takeover the prison and kills people throughout the episodes. There you go.

So we arrive at the mid season finale. "The Walking Dead" has actually been really solid these past 4 years when it comes to mid season finale's, although their season finale's are either great or trash.

We pick up in the prison, when Rick finally tells Daryl about Carol, and he is SICK. Heartbroken. Sad. Then they go try and tell Drake Tyreese, but he's too busy looking at rats. They begin to tell him but there's an explosion that they must attend to.

They walk outside and The Governor is lined up with a tank and an army, while also capturing Hershel and Michonne. Uh oh! So they try to negotiate, but that doesn't go down as smoothly as it could have gone and one thing leads to another and we have our first major character death of the season.

I won't spoil too much for you, and if you haven't watched the episode yet, then you probably shouldn't read the rankings. But without further adieu, I present:

THE WALKING CHARACTER RANKINGS

1. Daryl Dixon (last time: 1)

Wooooo!!!! Daryl! I thought he was a goner for sure when the zombie snuck up behind him like Jameis Winston at the club. While I was watching that scene my palms were sweaty, knees weak, vomit on my sweater already, mom's spaghetti. But in typical Daryl fashion, he uses the zombie as a shield and BLOWS UP A TANK! Why would he NOT be number 1? Number 1 on here and number 1 in our hearts.

2. Rick Grimes (last time: 3)

Welp, let's be glad he didn't do the classic Rick Cry when he saw Judith was missing. Ricky 3 Stacks was faced with a tough decision in his standoff, and he tried to take the peaceful route, but The Governor wasn't having it. Rick also is a horrible shot. How do you miss The Governor when he's standing right in front of you? Rick also got beat up. And didn't contribute to the gunfight at all. But nobody else really did much either.

3. Michonne (last time: not ranked)

She didn't kill The Governor, but she did save Rick's life. I respect the hustle though, she finally got what she wanted. Other than that, she was just kinda there to save Rick's life. Should've been a little less predictable but whatevvvvvvs.

4. The Governor (last time: 10)

He killed Hershel!!!! He shot a dead little girl without any sort of remorse. He beat Rick up. And then he died. The Governor has always been a little stale for me, which blows because he was so great in the comics. I don't know why the writers didn't make him more menacing, maybe it was all about being realistic, but The Governor was a snoooozzzzzeeeerrrr.

5. Tyreese (last time: not ranked) 

His manhood has been up and down this season, but he's hit his stride beautifully these last few episodes. I thought he was a goner for sure when he was rolling around in poison ivy and getting shot at. But those girls from "The Shining" ended up saving him. I can dig it.

6. The Girls From "The Shining" That Saved Tyreese (last time: unheard of)

Yeaaaahhhh these girls have spent this whole season being useless, but they came out strong, saved Tyreese, and killed those douchebags in The Governor's camp. With a headshot nonetheless. After being infected with the flu that was killing the prison. I like it!

7. Carl Grimes (last time: 4)

Ooooooh I thought he was going to die, but he didn't. But still, he is about to come full circle with his serial killer future, as evidenced by the 5 times he shot a dead zombie. Also, we have to do something about that hat he keeps wearing.

8. Rick's Hat (last time: not ranked)

Rick's hat managed to stay on during the gunfight and provided Carl with the skills to kill. I'm a fan!

9. The Governor's Tank (last time: didn't exist)

It had a nice run, it blew some things up, but it had to learn a lesson that everyone eventually learns: nobody survives the wrath of Daryl.

10. Hershel's Head (last time: still attached to his body)

More on this in a second...

Not Ranked:

Carol :(
Maggie Greene
Beth Greene
Bob STOOPID
Glenn Rhee
Sasha
Rick's Beard
The Governor's Accent

This was a wonderful mid-season finale, although I think the idea of a mid-season finale is stupid, but I can kinda understand it. But let's talk about Hershel.

I'll see you at the crooooossssroooaaaaddssss, so you won't be loooooonely, see you at the crooooossssrrrooooaaaads sooooo you won't be lone lonellllaaaayyyyy.

And I'm gonna miss everybody and I'm gonna miss everybody ooooohhhhh.

Livin in a hateful wooooooorld, sending me straight to heaven, livin in a hateful woooooorld, can somebody anybody tell me whyyyyy we die we dieeeeee, i don't wanna diiiiieeeee.

Sooooooo wrong oooooohhhh so wroooong ooooooohhhhhhh.

Pour out the liquor for Hershel Kenobi. We'll see you up there again big homie.

Final Score: 5/5