Being a Tortured Sports Fan

Being a sports fan is a special, yet insane thing. On one hand, sports can make you happier than your first girlfriend. On the other hand it can make you sadder than when that girlfriend calls you and says it's over right before the big Snowball Dance and you spend the rest of 7th grade hating her guts.

But I digress. There are casual fans, there are hardcore fans. But right in middle on the Sports Fan Spectrum lies the tortured sports fan. The fan whose teams are batting 1.000 in broken hearts. The team who can dunk your heart at will. A team who can throw your heart all over the field, leaving you looking like a permanent Michael Jordan Crying Face.

2012.

The Cincinnati Redlegs have the best record in baseball. They have the best player in baseball (Joseph Votto). They have the best pitcher in baseball (Johnny Beisbol). They have a young 3rd baseman who'll be cranking out homers and looking like my best friend Tuttle (The Todd Father). And finally, they have a manager whom the players genuinely love and pitchers fear (Dusty Baker).

The Reds go up 2-0 on the San Francisco Giants in a best of 5 series. They literally have to win one more game to advance and win their first playoff series since 1995 (Tupac and Biggie were still alive then). I watched as they lost the next 3 games with nothing but a single tear and a blank expression. The Giants went on to win the World Series.

Now you might be wondering why I wasn't viciously punching the air like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Boyz N The Hood and I will tell you why. Because I've been a conscious Reds fan since 2000, when they acquired Griffey Jr, and when I was old enough to distinguish my left hand from my right hand. You know how bad the Reds have been my whole life? Bad. So you think blowing a 2-0 lead is going to get me down? No sir, I know my team sucks and I know I suck for believing in them every year.

2015. 

The Green Bay Packers, the greatest team in the next 5 galaxies, were 2 minutes away from heading to the Super Bowl. Two minutes. We have Jesus Rodgers throwing the ball with his eyes closed and being the greatest QB to ever think about playing QB. We have Clay "the Bae" Matthews concussing Russell Wilson. We have Eddie "Baecy" Lacy running all over the Seacocks. Two minutes.

In two minutes, the Packers lost the game. Russell Wilson had a gnarly concussion to the point where he forgot how to add 2 + 2, and beat the Packers who LITERALLY needed to just not be stupid for 120 seconds. I sat there at work that day again looking like the MJ Crying Face.

That one stung a little more because the Packers are actually good at sports, but since 2011 I had grown used to them letting me down and choking mightily in the playoffs. The Seahawks loss still stung worse than when you have to dig a pimple out with your nail, but after 2 months I moved on from it.

2012. 

Boston Celtics. My favorite team since 2004 when I watched Ricky Davis (the greatest Celtic of all time) play like he didn't care about basketball. They were up 3-2 on the Heat. THE HEAT! There was no way they could lose. Rondo was playing out of his mind, Paul Pierce was playing like he was 30 again, and Ray Allen was...never mind. Oh and KG was playing like it was 1998.

LeBron James was on the ropes, game 6 was back at the Garden, and the Celtics had allllllll of the momentum. I watched in my room, sweating bullets, ruining my deodorant. Ruined my D.O. With my B.O.

Even my girlfriend was into the game!! LeBron took his headband off and I laughed at his receding hairline. But it was LeBron who got the last laugh. He had 45 points, 15 rebounds, and 5 assists while at the same time coming out of my TV screen and laughing in my face.

Once again, I was watching with the MJ Crying Face. After game 7 (the Celtics lost), I turned the TV off and my girlfriend patted my back and I cried a little. The Celtics shortly blew up the team and now I gotta watch that idiot Kelly Olynyk forget how to play basketball for my beloved Celtics.

But it could be worse. I could be a Knicks fan (haven't won anything since the Vietnam War), or a Cleveland sports fan (eww), or a Bengals fan (never will win anything) or a god forsaken Buffalo Bills fan (poor guys).

Those are just 3 small examples of sports ruining my life. But in the end, I'm okay. Being a sports fan is the most fun you don't want to have. And while my favorite teams will inevitably break my heart every year, I just keep coming back. <3

Talking Baseball With My Dad

My dad is the smartest dude alive. And I mean that with absolutely no hyperbole, he really is the smartest guy ever. He's a small business owner that has been successful for over 20 years. He was also majorly good at sports, good enough to play college baseball. My dad rocks and the talks we've had over the years have always centered around one thing: baseball.

When I was 10, we had just gotten home from practice. He was on the phone with my mom and they were talking about something that made me really upset (I don't remember what) and I told him he sucked and I ran to my room. While sitting in my room for an hour playing video games, he knocks on my door. 

"What do you want?" I say like a little shithead. 

"I want to talk to you." He replies.

I reluctantly turn around in my sweet ass swivel chair and look this man straight in the eye. He sits down next to me and looks around. He finds a special edition Tony The Tiger baseball and starts tossing it in his hands. He grips the ball like a pitcher would whenever they are throwing a 2-seam fastball. 

"Greg Maddux throws a nasty fastball. It dips." He says, staring at the ball.

I look up from the floor and stare at him and realize what a special moment this is. We talked about Greg Maddux and then we talked about the Reds, and then we talked about Pete Rose and David Concepcion. We never discussed the actual problem and for that I'm thankful because talking about sad feelings only makes me sad, but talking about something interesting makes me forget ever being sad.

Talking about baseball had become a staple in our relationship from that day forward. Those kind of talks about baseball got me through my first break up, my nana's cancer diagnosis, moving away from home for the first time (easily the worst day of my entire life), etc. 

Even 2 months ago, I had come to visit dad one day and I sat on the couch. I had been feeling kind of bummed out and he could sense it. He looked at me and said, "Walt Jocketty, he'll never be Billy Beane." I looked back at him and smiled and we talked about Billy Beane, Joey Votto, The Big Red Machine, and the concept of Moneyball.

3 years ago, I was rummaging through some items and I found something I thought dad had lost. It was the scorecard from the 1976 Reds World Series I had bought him for Father's Day when I was maybe 8 or 9. I smiled, put it back and then sat down with dad and we talked baseball for the next hour. 

Lana Del Rey - Ultraviolence Review

Lana Del Rey.

Everyone by now should know that name. If you don't, she's a new kind of pop singer. A vintage, lonely, anti-feminist hipster caught up in the tropes of L.A. and finding love and acceptance through men. There's been a lot of talk about her image, which people perceive as fake, which is probably true for nearly every entertainer out there today, but as long as you release some dope songs, all is forgiven.

Lana dropped her debut Born To Die two years ago and it was perfection. I mean, most of the songs sounded the same, but they were so good that it didn't matter. Then she hit us with The Paradise Edition which kept that strong momentum going. She released 8 songs on Paradise and they were all pretty good and mostly better than what was on Born To Die. Needless to say, Lana is more than accepted in the hipster/vintage world.

Then after a year or so of hibernation, she comes back with "Young and Beautiful" from The Great Gatsby, which I fully believe should have been nominated for an Oscar. That song was just another credential Lana could add to her already extremely impressive arsenal. Then she had her best selling hit with that god awful techno-dance remix to "Summertime Sadness," which I think was a tragedy.

So that brings us to Ultraviolence, which was announced after that BULLSHIT of a video called Tropico. I was excited from the moment the title of this album dropped and I was even more excited whenever she started to release some of the songs. She dropped 4 total: "West Coast", "Ultraviolence", "Brooklyn Baby", and "Shades of Cool". Two of these songs were FLAMES. One was okay, and the other was about as good as hearing someone just claw a chalkboard.

Lana said that this was going to be a departure from Born To Die and that Tropico was the end of Born. So did this album live up to the hype? Is it better? Will she flop? Will she get the recognition she deserves? Lana is a unique talent, but I'm not exactly buying into her act, which I can say for 99% of musicians out today, and I'm probably one of her biggest supporters. So let's get into this.

Ultraviolence Review

1. Cruel World

So we start off the album with a song that sounds like the last 19 minutes of "The End" by The Doors. But then she starts singing about how she feels better now that her man is gone and she's gonna go out and live it up. You could honestly skip this song and live a fulfilling life. This is a weak opener compared to "Born To Die". Song is okay once, but more than that and you just have too much time on your hands.

2. Ultraviolence

F-L-A-M-E-S. Love this song more than I love my family, easily. I mean, I have no clue whatsoever what the song is about, something about a group she was in, but I don't care because this is honestly just a pure joy to listen to. I've listened to this like 932898434 times, but that's just an estimate. I have no clue who "Jim" is, but they say art is open to interpretation so I'm just going to pretend it's Jim Morrison. This is definitely getting repeated plays in the future.

3. Shades of Cool

This sounds like the beginning of every James Bond movie ever made. But after an almost unbearable slow start it picks up and becomes a beautiful songbird of a song. That's the problem with a lot of Lana Del Rey songs, you have to endure a heap of slow boringness to get to the hidden gems. Which I actually like because the payoff justifies the trip it took to get there. But yeah this song is cool, not gonna ever go out of my way to listen to it again unless it comes on shuffle and I'm physically unable to change the song.

4. Brooklyn Baby

God I honestly hate everything about this song. I tried like 4 times to make myself like this but it's just not happening. It's like tomatoes. A lot of people like it so you're like, "damn, maybe this is an acquired taste" and so you keep eating the tomatoes but it still sucks but you can't understand why because you love ketchup and you always check the bottles at restaurants to make sure the ketchup is full but if it isn't then you have to awkwardly go to another table and steal their ketchup. But yeah, fuck this song.

5. West Coast

Okay after listening to that dog fart of a song, Lana drops some blue flames on us. I absolutely love this song and I wish more songs on this album would sound like this because this is heavenly. It's a fusion of rap, pop, and vintage pop. It meshes up perfectly and I will continue listening to this song until my dying day. I'm a huge fan of the last minute that sounds like West Coast 90s rap. This may actually the best song on Ultraviolence.

6. Sad Girl

This song starts off sounding like Bruce Lee about to fight Kareem Abdul Jabbar in Game of Death. I guess this is supposed to about Lana's conflicting feelings of being a mistress. This isn't that great of a song. It's just kind of middle of the road to me. The chorus is good stuff but everything else about the song is mostly forgettable. But I feel like this track will end up being a grower the more I listen to it. It's going on my iPhone, but it may end up getting deleted one day to make room for better music.

7. Pretty When You Cry

MELANCHOLY!!!! Man what has happened in Lana's life that she has no happiness in her soul? Like I thought Born To Die was a sad album but this shit is not even enjoyable to listen to at the moment. I feel like this is targeting a certain sad girl demographic.

8. Money Power Glory

Wooo! We're finally back in enjoyable territory. I'm really big on this song because it doesn't make me want to kill myself in front of my ex. The chorus is really well done even if the verses in between don't exactly add anything of significance to the song. To be 100, this song might not even be good, but I've gone through some bullshit to get here and by god I'm kicking my feet up and relaxing to this smooth song that kinda becomes trash in the last minute and a half. But yeah, I fux with this track heavy, maybe. I don't know. No, I do. I do. I love it.

9. Fucked My Way To The Top

I'm gonna let the feminists duke this one out with each other. But this song is a shot at a singer (IDK who, but I'm gonna guess it's someone mega famous). Actually this song is kinda hard. She also addresses people like me who don't think she's authentic (I don't at all) and sarcastically says she fucked her way to get here (might be true though). Her first album, aka Lizzy Grant was a wildly different sound from the Lana Del Rey you hear today, so this song does have a bit of irony when it comes to her authenticity. I guess Lana reads Youtube comments after all. But yeah, I'm really digging this song. Even if she kinda bites Adele's style sometimes. IRONY!!!

10. Old Money 

Gonna pretend this is a Great Gatsby reference. But I'm not exactly wanting to ever listen to this song again. It's okay but you really gotta be in a "sit hunched over in the bathtub" kind of mood to really enjoy this track. It's a personal song to her, but it's ass, to me. But I can tell this will end up being a grower.

11. The Other Woman 

This is a cover of a Nina Simone song and a really personal song to Lana, so I'm not going to say much about this because I understand wanting to pay tribute to something you care so deeply about. I mean, I won't ever listen to it again in my lifetime, but Lana's voice is nice at the end though.

12. Black Beauty

DAWG. Lana Del Rey really needs to find some independence in her life because she is too got damn reliable on guys to make her happy in her songs. I mean, the song itself is gorgeous, but she kinda acts like a clingy girlfriend and there is nothing worse to a guy than a clingy girlfriend. BET. Other than that, this is a smooth song to throw on, but you might have to be in the right mood. The beat kinda fools you into thinking this is an empowering song but it's more of a desperation song, which is what Lana Del Rey has become known for, although she's never made it as obvious as she does on this track. It's kind of an annoyance, to be honest.

13. Guns and Roses

This song is a tad lazy, actually it's obviously lazy. The beat and verses are shockingly the things that make this song worth the listen. It's like Lana can't find a happy medium with her music. You're either getting trash verses and a fantastic chorus, and vice versa. Or you just get a hot dumpster fire of a song. To me, this is what keeps Lana from reaching greatness. This is an extremely simple song that doesn't get saved from the almighty SKIP button.

14. Florida Kilos

Woo this song isn't all that great but it's different from the rest of this album and I welcome that with arrrrrms wiiiide oooopen. And it was co-written with Harmony Korine, the director of that trash ass movie Spring Breakers. So it's not surprising that this song sucks too. It's catchy as all hell though so that'll keep you low IQ having ass radio listeners happy. Song sounds like the theme song to a Pepsi commercial filmed at the beach with colorful animations coming out of the bottle whenever someone opens it.

Bonus Tracks:

Didn't come with my illegally downloaded copy.

Welp. If you can't read between the lines or you don't possess much critical thinking skills, I think this album is kinda ass. Which is frustrating because I felt like Lana released all her best material right out of the gate and the rest of the album had trouble living up to the hype. The songs that are good are honestly great, but the songs that aren't in that tier are really tough to listen to and not really worth your time. This album may end up being a grower, but as of right now, this isn't very good. A lot of people co-sign new music because it's new, but this album was too moody and repetitive (which has been a big problem for Lana throughout her career thus far) to get an official co-sign from me. Still gonna buy it though cause I love Lana more than pizza, but I might wait 'till it goes on sale, ya dig?

One thing I was really big on about this album was the production. I love that Lana is doing something completely different from pop stars today, and that gets a lot of points with me, as a consumer. She mostly used a seven piece band on this album, which is really great because these radio hits today all sound the same and it was nice not to have to hear any trace of dubstep on this. Lana has a great voice and she expertly puts you in a west coast 60s mood when you listen to her. She also sounds a lot more mature on this album, which is a welcome change from the Lolita-esque style she used on most of Born.

The high points on this album come when she isn't making a moody song, and the low points are everything else, which is disappointing. She has a lot of potential still, and it shows on this album with some truly great songs that are even better than some of the cuts on Born. But this shit gets dragged down by too many sad songs that don't make this an enjoyable listen. I know she has made a career out of being a depressed 60s artist looking for love, but I can't see myself listening to something this heavy front to back. This might be something for someone else, but for me, personally, NAH.

But, yo, go buy this album, support your artists. I did.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/ultraviolence-deluxe/id880747579

Final Score:

2.5/5

An Oral History About Adam Sandler and Where It All Went Wrong

In this day and age, it is very rare for a year to pass us by without the release of an Adam Sandler movie. While 9 times outta 10 it's usually some hot garbage, there once was a time when everyone and their mother's had to check out what the ex-funny man had to offer. Many college students and 20-something year olds are riddled with fond childhood memories of watching Adam Sandler. Which is why we want to believe he's still funny, cause we've grown up watching him.

Sandler's new Rumpke dumpster of a movie, Blended, dropped last week (or something like that) and along with it came the same critics saying the exact same things they have been saying about Sandler since he was birthed from his mom's womb: he sucks. While that might be mostly true, it's unfair to go into his movies ready to write him off. I personally like to give him a shot every time, and I enjoy most of his movies, but this new flick looks like purebred ass cheeks, so I'm probably gonna wait until I can watch it somewhere for free 99.

Now that he has blessed us with a steaming pile of horse ass, it's time to analyze just where the usually bankable Adam Sandler went wrong. When did the decline happen? When did Adam Sandler stop being funny? How did we go from gems like Billy Madison to Jack and Jill? I now present to you: An Oral History of Adam Sandler and Where It All Went Wrong.

Part 1: The Can't Miss Kid

It really all began in 1995, with the release of Billy Madison, the tell of a manchild who, due to unforeseen circumstances, has to repeat school!!! Hilarious!! It actually ended up setting off Sandler's career and launched a tirade of quotes that are still used today. Basically we'll call that Sandler's rookie year, which got off to a hot start and made him into a fan favorite.

So year 2 of a promising career dawns upon Sandler, and that brings us his greatest achievement: Happy Gilmore. This was basically Sandler averaging a double double, nabbing MVP honors, and dropping one of the best statistical seasons ever seen. With Gilmore, Sandler pretty much dragged his team to the playoffs and instantly became the most wanted star in Hollywood. The future was bright for Adam Sandler in 1996, he was on the path to greatness. Now the question remained: Will he continue his success or will he start an early decline, before hitting his prime?

Sandler answered that question with The Wedding Singer, a movie I personally thought was ass but earned rave reviews and gave Sandler his Scottie Pippen in the form of Drew Barrymore. The movie was a hit and became a box office smash, cementing Adam Sandler as the next best thing in Hollywood. He was destined to have a huge career and this was the beginning of his prime, the prime that made people realize his first two movies were not a fluke.

Sandler followed Singer up with The Waterboy, another smashing hit that had audiences laughing and willing to spend all their hard earned money to see Adam Sandler stutter and play football. It was a perfect formula and ended up becoming one of his best movies, as well as my personal favorite. Sandler could do no wrong from this point on. All we had to do as an audience was sit back and enjoy the show.

What came next for Sandler was a more mature movie, Big Daddy, which was when Sandler became a veteran, as opposed to the young hotshot with all the potential. Again, this was another box office hit and further perpetuated the idea that this guy has an amazingly bright future in Hollywood. Everything he touched turned to gold and he was consistently funny. I'm not sure if any comedic actor has had a stronger run in Hollywood than Sandler did from 1995-2000.

Part 2: The Veteran

Adam Sandler's first hiccup came in 2000 by way of Little Nicky. While most people consider that movie "a bag of shit", I actually liked it. And Sandler had so much respect by this point in his career, that even Quentin Tarantino agreed to be in the film. Little Nicky was kind of like Shaq when he played for the lakers and showed up overweight to training camp. Sandler just had to do like O'Neal and play himself into shape.

That's where Punch Drunk Love comes in. This was Sandler returning to form and winning over audiences again with his first venture into dramatic acting. He was nominated for a Golden Globe and a bevy of other awards and Sandler was once again in good standing with audiences across the country. Finally, he was done with being an overgrown kid and was now heading into the veteran stage of his career where he could play likable every-men.

Sandler made a good run of mediocre movies that were far different and less hilarious than he was in the 90s, from 2002-2007. The first dip in quality came in the form of Mr. Deeds. This was the first time Sandler had a real let down of a movie. It still made a bunch of money, and people like it for nostalgic reasons, but this was the beginning of asstastic movies coming from the Happy Madison camp.

After the mediocre Deeds, Sandler came out with Anger Management. Another mediocre movie, but this time made even more average with the presence of Jack Nicholson! The movie was okay, not good or bad, just okay. Which is the way you can describe this period of Adam Sandler movies. Anger Management was similar to Mr. Deeds, in that you could take it or leave it as an audience member and your life would never be any different. Another way to describe this era is the "I'll wait until it comes out on DVD" era.

So at this point In Sandler's career, a lot of people have accepted that he isn't going to come out with comedic classics anymore. He's more or less making fun movies that you watch but aren't timeless quotables. Which is okay, because the quality of the films is still pretty decent. From 50 First Dates to the popular The Longest Yard and the surprisingly depressing Click, Adam Sandler was still bankable and worthy of your money for a ticket or a rental (or torrent). He wasn't making shitty movies, he was making "okay" movies.

He tried to stretch his range again by starring in the fantastic Reign Over Me, where he played a widower with severe depression. Although he never won anything for that role, Sandler proved he was more than capable of being a dramatic actor that could hold his own against veterans like Don Cheadle, even out acting him throughout the whole movie, although that is the way the film was structured. was Adam Sandler robbed of accolades for that performance? Yeah. But it at least showed he was hungry and striving to be better.

Part 3: The Decline

2007. The year of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and the beginning of the end for Mr. Sandler. Personally, I am a fan of Chuck and Larry, but this was the first time (not counting 8 Crazy Nights) that Sandler had been scathed for one of his movies by critics. He'd always managed to average terrible Rotten Tomato scores, but at 14% this was his lowest non-animated film that he was the star of.

Next came the dreadful You Don't Mess With the Zohan. While it had a few laughs here and there, it was ultimately scoring a low critics and audience score on Rotten Tomatoes. While RT isn't a perfect indicator in the quality of a film, it's worth noting that this began a string of Sandler films that were deemed "trash".

After the abysmal and forgettable Zohan, Sandler came out with Bedtime Stories, a kids movie. And a bad one at that. This was the point where everyone kinda looked at each other and said, "hmm, maybe Adam Sandler isn't as funny as we thought." By this point in his career, Adam Sandler hadn't really dropped a movie that could hold its own when compared to his earlier work, this was the work of someone who didn't have to be innovative anymore, the work of a man who knew he was famous. That's when most stars begin to falter, whenever they realize their own fame and stop trying. Which was beginning to become a trend for Sandler.

After 3 straight stinkers, the colossally disappointing Funny People arrived in theaters to good reviews. Personally, I thought this movie was a waste of a crazy talented cast, but it really showed how self aware Adam Sandler was of what his product was becoming. Churning out mediocre comedies for 8 years should have been a wake up call to Sandler, and everyone thought with Funny People that he would realize that he needs to get back to his roots and put more effort in his films, but alas, this was a flash in the pan moment. A throwback moment, like when Shaq would drop the occasional double double late in his career and make people remember what a force he used to be. At this point in his career, Sandler became an all star player who is cashing checks in and coasting on autopilot, with a big game here and there.

After people proclaimed that Sandler was back, it was announced he was doing a film with a bunch of famous comic actors, and the expectations became enormous. Now, I'm a fan of Grown Ups, but that movie was raked over the coals by critics and was considered, at the time, a low point of Adam Sandler's film career. The point where people realized he wasn't funny. He assembled a dream team and kinda really blew it. Again, I liked it, but the general consensus was that it was terrible.

After that debacle came Just Go With It, which was a good movie, but one we've seen from Adam Sandler multiple times. There was nothing new, the movie wasn't all that funny, and it became lost in the "forgettable Adam Sandler movies" pile. But as usual, it made a ton of money and reinforced the sentiment that Adam Sandler was still a bankable movie star.

Part 4: The End of An Era

Jack and Jill. Literally one of the worst movies ever made. The movie that is worse than any bad movie you could ever think of. The movie that legit insulted the audience and laughed at them for spending their valuable time watching. This is the Empire Strikes Back of bad movies and the official point in time where everyone realized Adam Sandler isn't funny. By this point, people stopped expecting his movies to be any good.

In order to get back to his roots, Sandler tried to drop a raunchy movie that was supposed to be edgy and hilarious. That's how we ended up with That's My Boy. Which made everyone sad to watch because this was a once great comic trying to be controversial but just ended up being embarrassing. And if you ever watch it, you can tell everyone involved with this movie thought it was going to be a massive hit and propel Sandler back into audience acceptance. But unfortunately it was just another shitty movie masquerading itself as a "change of pace" from what we're used to with the standard yearly Adam Sandler movie.

After that came Grown Ups 2. I liked the movie but I am definitely in the minority on that. It was an okay movie, but it was literally the same jokes we've heard a million times and not really all that funny of a movie. At this point, you knew what to expect from an Adam Sandler movie and it became your fault for paying to watch one. It had been 18 years since Billy Madison and the comic's fall from grace had been a tough one to watch, especially when you consider how promising of a career he was destined to have.

Part 5: Redemption 

Yes, Blended happened. It's a terrible movie and an obvious cash grab. It's not making all that much money and expectations were horribly low. Nobody expects an Adam Sandler movie to be funny anymore and it's frustrating to see how little he cares. We're basically funding his vacations/movies. So what is next for Adam Sandler? Surely he realizes how bad he's been since 2007, possibly earlier depending on who you ask, right?

He currently has 3 movies in development. The first is The Cobbler, which nobody knows anything about. Pixels, an animated movie directed by Chris Columbus. And Men, Women, and Children. Which is the one that should make your ears perk up. An indie film that might require Sandler to show some range/emotion. An indie movie. A great director. Adam Sandler. This is happening and could be the exact cure on the road to redemption for Sandler. A chance to show that he is more than just an unfunny comic actor. I'm personally excited for Men, Women, and Children. The potential is there. This is going to be different from Funny People...I hope.

The Ex-Girlfriend's League Season Summary

Hunter: 

Once a champion in 2011, the Bethany Hall's fell to an abysmal 5-8 record in 2012, followed by an embarrassing 2nd round exit to the eventual champ, Phil. After much hard work, dedication, late night pizzas, frustrating breakups, Hunter was ready to reclaim glory.

After stumbling to a mediocre 2-2 record, Hunter the Great ripped off an improbably 6 game win streak, riding the red hot Aaron Rodgers. Until....disaster struck. The Chicago Stupid Bears brutally injured Aaron Rodgers, forcing the fast acting manager to start Seneca Wallace, Scott Tolzien and finally Ryan Tannehill. All hope was lost. Hunter ended the season on a 3 game losing streak.

The playoffs began, Hunter quickly ousted Devan in a barn burner, 188-185, thanks to a huge performance by T.Y. Hilton. Next came Hunter's foe, the man who knocked him out last year...Philip. It was an intense matchup, one that saw Hunter take the lead and win 167-147. Finally, the Cinderella story was about to meet it's match, the red hot team owned by Ethan Isaacs. They said Hunter couldn't pull it off. Ethan was favored by 20 points. But they cleared Rodgers to play! And play he did. Hunter ended up stomping the fucking shit out of Ethan's bitchass team to reclaim his former glory. Hunter is now a 2 time champion.

Ethan:

Coming into the league late last year, Ethan looked to make a name for himself. As the season started, like Hunter the Magnificent, Ethan was sitting at 2-2. He then went on a tear and finished the season 7-2, with the hottest team in the league. Nobody wanted to play him while he was on  a tear. Ethan was constantly hammering teams by 30+. After a close call in the 2nd round, Ethan pulled out the win 194-192 against Ryan Tuttle.

Ethan then went against a red hot Danny Colemire, winning CONVINCINGLY 197-114. Everything was falling into place for Ethan to win the championship. He was going against an injury riddled Hunter Saylor, whose fans were becoming antsy with anticipation due to the extraordinary expectations to begin the season.

"Hunter who??" Ethan said before the big game. "His time is up, he's old. He won the championship in a 6 man league, he's with the big boys now. I don't give a fuck about no Hunter GAYlor".

Ethan lost the championship.

Philip:

There is nobody in the league more decorated than Philip Bagnoli. He has the most wins in the league, is a 3-time MVP, defending champion, and owner of 2 pennants and 2 division titles. Every year his team is a force to be reckoned with. Phil started the season off against the Cinderella team he beat the year before in the championship, Troy Tinsley. Phil won 296-167.

Phil finished the season 9-4, just like he previously had for the past 2 years. He grabbed the top seed and the MVP along with the division title. It all looked too easy for Phil, as he was the favorite. He moved into the second round against a warm up opponent, Shane Jennings. Phil laid Thor's Hammer down to continue his dominance over the league.

"Yeah, I don't even look at who I'm playing anymore. I just set my lineup and win. It's crazy." He was set to face his rival, Hunter Saylor for a trip to the championship.

"Hunter? Oh yeah. He won a championship in the 6 team league. I don't think anyone really counts that though. I'm a defending champ, I don't even know half the names in this league."

Phil lost by 20. He's still under the impression that he won the championship.

Danny:

Quietly a top feel good story. Danny began the season in style, racing out to a 5-0 start and looking unbeatable. He would only get 2 more wins the rest of the season. But luckily he played in a dogshit division and ended up winning the division title. He was headed into the playoffs as a number 2 seed, but a massive underdog.

He was going against Troy, the Cinderella team from last year who looked to continue his post season run.

"Ya know, I'm really just happy to be here. A lot of my fans are content with finishing in the middle of the pack. They really understand fantasy football ya know? They understand you have to rebuild and that takes patience."

Danny had Jamal Charles and Alex Smith. Troy never stood a chance.

"FUCK YEAH BITCH WE'RE GOING ALL THE MOTHER FUCKING WAY" an excited Danny Colemire exclaimed. Unfortunately, he ran into a red hot Ethan Isaacs in a sound, convincing defeat.

"It was humbling, yeah. We're going to get back on the practice field in the offseason and hope we can pull together a few wins and contend for the championship."

Ryan:

The Return. A highly anticipated event for the young manager. After a torrid 4-9 season, a season in which he took over a terrible team and made them competitive, the Fantasy world was excited to see what Ryan could do.

"Every day is a challenge. Last year I worked with what I had and got the most out of my players. I'm hoping to continue that success this season."

Ryan was considered one of the brightest young minds of the Fantasy world, in high demand, ultimately landing on a team in need of a rebuild.

Unfortunately, injuries plagued the prodigy's team and they finished a dismal 6-7 and a quick exit in the playoffs.

"It's hard man. We came out here and competed to the best of our abilities. Injuries happen, that's a part of the game. Hopefully we can come out here with a healthy core next year." Ryan walked out of the press conference disappointed. A lot of teams are trying to hire him to manage their Fantasy roster, and there is much speculation about what he'll do when his contract is up next year.

Devan:

He came in the middle of the season and coached his team to their first finish over .500 in their team history. Unfortunately he had a forgetful season and was bounced out of the playoffs in a nailbiter.

"I really wanted to win, ya know. I inherited this mess and fixing it will take a while. I ask the fans to please be patient." Devan said.

Fortunately, his fans are used to being the most mediocre team the past 3 years of the league's existence.

"We love our team, we had a crook owner before, but this new guy, he's all right. He got us over .500 for the first time ever and made us competitive," Roy, a self proclaimed super fan, said. "We got some good young guys, we're going to be good....hopefully."

Devan is also considered an up and comer in the league. Let's just hope they can afford him when his contract is up. At this rate, it seems Devan and Ryan are the new Magic and Bird.

Neil:

A massively disappointing season for a fierce competitor. After 2 years in the league, Neil has 2 division titles and a championship appearance. Unfortunately his team took a small dive last year and an even bigger dive this year. A 4-win season is not going to please the fans.

"I don't know what happened. It's like the fucking guy never checked his lineup. Has he even played Fantasy football before???" A fair question asked by Lavondell, a big fan of Neil's team.

"Unfortunately we did not meet the expectations that were on us at the beginning of the season. We will try to come out and take back our division next year" said a disgraced Neil.

With fan unrest, it'll be interesting to see how long Neil can hold out as manager. Rumors are swirling of a potential firing. This has been a long fall from grace for the once appraised manager.

Troy:

Constantly one of the worst teams in the league. Considered by some to be the worst Fantasy owner in history. Troy made a spectacular run in the playoffs last season, coming up short by 9 heartbreaking points.

Expectations were high for Troy heading into the season, but alas he went on a 9 game losing streak and finished dead last. But the playoffs were coming up. Anyone who knows Troy knows that he is one of the best minds when it comes to the playoffs. Nobody is as creative or smart as the young manager from England when it comes playoff time. He coasted in the first round, looking to continue his post season dominance. He was projected to win big agains the ice cold Danny Colemire.

The Cinderella story looked to continue. The fans rallied behind Never Had One. This was the year. Greatness awaited. The world believed. He was the heavy favorite, there was no possible scenario for him to lose.

He went against Jamal Charles and Alex Smith. Nothing was the same.

Kyle:

He traded AJ Green for Terrelle Pryor. He finished in last place.

Because The Internet Review

Childish Gambino doesn't need any introductions. Some of you might know him as that sorta-but-not-really funny comedian/actor from Community. Some of you might know him as the nerdy hipster who wants to be taken seriously as a rapper.

Gambino dropped Camp a year or so ago to pretty decent reviews. I personally thought the album sucked. But I can see why some of you are into it. Childish Gambino is following the mold of Odd Future in that he doesn't want to be a stereotypical rapper, he just wants to be himself. Which there's nothing wrong with that if it's executed correctly.

But the thing with Childish Gambino and his music is that it's STOOPID. I don't really mess with his music, like at all. But I figured I could give him another chance. Maybe he stops rapping in that "I'm ironically rapping" voice? Maybe he extends his act beyond "I'm not a rapper but I wanna be taken seriously as a rapper while at the same time not acting like a black person but I hate when people tell me I'm not black enough I'm just myself and I like Asians and have lots of sex but let me throw in something here and there about racism to show you I can be serious too" Man idk.

Side bar: 2013 has been too much. I'm all about big names releasing albums, but what in the entire hell is 2014 going to look like? Literally everyone and their moms have released an album this year. And 80% of those albums have suuuuccckkkkeeeed. Mostly looking at Yeezus.

So let's head into this album and see if it can join Long.Live.A$AP, Wolf, My Name Is My Name and MMLP2 as the good albums to come out this year. I now present you with:

Because The Internet Review

1. The Library (Intro)

Tryna waste 5 seconds of your life?

2. Crawl

5 seconds into this song and the beat is already better than anything on that trashcan Camp. The hook is nice too. But Childish Gambino isn't really saying anything at all on here. Like he's stringing together words and making them rhyme, but there's not really any substance to it. Not every song has to have a subject though, just look at 60% of Eminem's catalog, but I don't even get what Childish Gambino is trying to accomplish here unless it's to intentionally sound stupid, which is such a waste because this song had a looooot of potential. But apparently this is following along with the screenplay he wrote for this album. Oh gosh this is going to be one of those "You just don't get it" Yeezus type situations.

3. WORLDSTAR

Childish Gambino better slow down on these fire beats or he's going to alienate his fan base. I'm a fan of THIS Childish Gambino. He's keeping with the whole "internet" theme and exposing how anyone can get famous off of a stupid video. I think? Whatever, I'm a fan of it. There's a few moments in the song where he starts to go off track for the sake of rhyming, but he comes back in. Then the beat at the end switches up into some illustrious elegance, sounding like a lonely rainy day on that Hey, Arnold show. Super jazzy and sweet. Take away the first 3 minutes of this song and only keep this beautiful outro and we have the song of the year. Let this snazzy jazzy outro engross all of your senses and enjoy the ride.

4. Dial Up

There's no reason for this to be here.

5. The Worst Guys (Feat. Chance The Rapper)

Ion really listen to Chance The Rapper like that, but he doesn't really have a presence on the song because he's singing harmoniously with Gambino on the hook. The beat is silky smooth and enjoyable, building on that unnecessary "Dial Up" interlude. I did, however, really appreciate the "apartheid" line. Nas would've found a way to make that historically inaccurate, but I thought it was a clever little line. Childish Gambino fans won't get that though. Look it up and educate yourselves. YOU AIN'T DO THE EDUCATION. But yeah, this song is tight.

6. Shadows

This sounds like a leftover cut from Camp, which means I don't have to spend anymore of my valuable time listening to it!

7. Telegraph Ave ("Oakland" By Lloyd)

Can't wait to never listen to this again.

8. Sweatpants

Now normally when you see a song titled "Sweatpants", your expectations are historically low. The song was okaaaaaaaaay. Not really bringing anything to the table other than existing. He's making fun of rich people and the culture in case you need someone to spell it out for you or if your were feeling like tweeting him, "@DonaldGlover U CHANGED BRUH WHY DOSE THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN? SELL OUT #mad #upset #waistofmoney"

9. 3005

So this is the first official single off the song. The beat sounds like the theme song from Rugrats or something like that. I also don't support Gambino singing at all. Basically go listen to any song off of Nothing Was The Same and simultaneously listen to the Rugrats theme and you'll have this song.

10. Playing Around Before The Party Starts

Make this about 3 minutes longer and you'd have a buttery smooth track.

11. The Party

So I guess the party started????? CLEVER!! I don't really support the hook at all but he goes in for a solid 30 seconds. Silver linings people!

12. No Exit

This song sounds like torture porn.

13. Death By Numbers

Sweet another song where nothing happens!

14. Flight of the Navigator

MAN I DON'T KNOW. I don't really support anything like this at all. This is just STOOPID. I couldn't hit the skip button fast enough.

15. Zealots of Stockholm (Free Information)

Can we call him Yeezus Gambino yet? Because I definitely see what he's been doing. He also tried to get a little deep and touch on the "same-sex"marriage and his doubts about religion. But don't be fooled into thinking he's about to drop some mad philosophy. All style no substance here.

16. Urn

Sounds like a 90s R&B song, and not one of the classics. I don't understand why he feels the need to waste our time like this. At least he stopped doing his Kanye impression and moved on to The Weeknd.

17. Pink Toes (Feat. Jhene Aiko)

Yeezus Gambino, The Creator. That's all you need to know about him. But Jhene Aiko comes in with her silky smooth voice. Woooooooo, take off that identity crisis having mofo and let Jhene Aiko sing this whole thing.

18. Earth: The Oldest Computer (The Last Night) (Feat. Azealia Banks)

Childish Gambino is trying to be Tyler, The Creator, Drake, Yeezus, and now Kid Cudi. MAN BE YOURSELF. He's like Game man, just tries to be like other people. This sucks.

19. Life: The Biggest Troll

This song is better than the last 13 songs, but it's not anything to get excited about. Thankfully he's not really having his identity crisis on this song. But yeah I don't exactly need to ever hear this song ever again. Maybe I just don't understand why rappers are dying to use futuristic space beats/themes.

So we got through the album and it sucked. Which is weird because the first 5 songs were great. Childish Gambino reeeaaaallllllyyyyy needs to figure out who he wants to be. Because Kid Yeezus Gambino, The Creator isn't cutting it at all. But let's talk about the positives! His voice has improved a lot, along with his lyrics. The beats are a lot better. And if this album had only been 5 songs long it would've been the best joint all year. But alas, he fell into the trap that a lot rappers fall into, which is releasing an album with too many songs. And this one was about 14 songs too long.

Also, I didn't realize it until just now that Indicud was released this year. Totally forgot about that album. Wanna know why? Because it was awful.

Final Score: 2/5

Tropico Review

Man listen, nobody loves Lana Del Rey more than I do. I thought her last album, Born To Die, was the best album of 2012. In my eyes, Lana is the G.O.A.T. But a lot of people don't see her the way I do.

They point to that god awful SNL performance where she sang 6 octaves too low. Or something like that. And she just kinda stood there. I mean, the performance wasn't anything to re-watch ever again, but it wasn't the worst thing in the history of ever, ya know?

But anyway, Lana Del Rey has taken a good year and a half to herself to basically do nothing (she did drop that gem "Young and Beautiful"). Then a few months ago she announced she was dropping a little passion project she's been working on, the short film Tropico. Now nobody really knew what to expect because the picture for the film was her and an albino fellow wearing leaf underwear. But Lana has always been great when it comes to videos/monologues (see: the last 2 minutes of the "National Anthem" video). So naturally we were expecting a lot, right?

She dropped the trailer for it a week or so ago and the world went bonkers. We were like "This could be like that 'Runaway' short film Kanyeezus dropped a few years ago, except this one might actually be good." I mean, the trailer showed us a video full of strippers, guns, religious undertones, and death. Basically this was going to be the greatest thing ever.

Tropico dropped today at 11 AM on Vevo (I think Vevo is stupid and artists really need to leave that behind). I settle in to watch the most beautiful woman on the face of this planet bless me with her artistic creativity for 30 minutes. So without further adieu I present:

The Tropico Review

So this thing starts off in the Garden of Eden, Lana as Eve and Shaun Ross (you all might recognize him from that "E.T." video with Katy Perry which I didn't know about until I looked him up on Google) as Adam. Lana is praying to John Wayne, who is accompanied by Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Jesus because when you're a hipster, things don't really have to make sense. But I guess it kinda follows up with the theme of "Body Electric".

While Lana sings "Body Electric," she and Ross dance like an awkward couple at a dance club. Actually, they dance like this:



But anyway, so we move past the horrible dancing. Lana then goes to eat the forbidden apple and Marilyn Monroe, John Wayne, and Elvis have a conniption fit because this all is bound to make sense soon, right?

So we pick up with Lana stripping and Ross working at a convenience store. Lana starts her little narrative here where she really just says a bunch of words and expects us to know what it all means. Like she's saying a lot of things, but she isn't really saying anything.

The whole video treads along like this, with intermittent cuts of her songs. She sings "Gods and Monsters" and "Bel-Air". Lana's boyfriend has a freakout at his convenience store (you never find out why), they (maybe) rob a group of guys getting lapdances, Lana strips, Lana says a bunch of words, and then they dance in a cornfield and float into the air.

Maybe I just didn't get it, but this video was stupid. Like it didn't make any sense. I was expecting a lot more from Lana, but I'm sure all these random shots of her drinking soda out of a 2 liter makes sense to philosophy majors. I guess there was some symbolism; like their life begins perfect, then after Lana eats the apple their lives are terrible and full of sin, and then by the end after stripping and robbing people they are free of sin and can float in the sky. Or something like that.

I just don't really understand how robbing people cleanses you of sin? Like, how can you hold a gun to someone's head and then float into the sky to meet John Wayne?

Oh yeah, Lana also announced her new album is called Ultraviolence. Woooo!!!!!

Final Score: 1/5

The Walking Dead: Too Far Gone Review (and character rankings)

Where have "The Walking Dead" reviews been at these past 2 weeks????? I'll tell you where: nowhere. Because the Governor's storyline is mad boring. But for the sake of complaining here;s a summary of the past two weeks: The Governor walks around, finds a new group, takes a liking to a girl that looks like Maggie, plans to takeover the prison and kills people throughout the episodes. There you go.

So we arrive at the mid season finale. "The Walking Dead" has actually been really solid these past 4 years when it comes to mid season finale's, although their season finale's are either great or trash.

We pick up in the prison, when Rick finally tells Daryl about Carol, and he is SICK. Heartbroken. Sad. Then they go try and tell Drake Tyreese, but he's too busy looking at rats. They begin to tell him but there's an explosion that they must attend to.

They walk outside and The Governor is lined up with a tank and an army, while also capturing Hershel and Michonne. Uh oh! So they try to negotiate, but that doesn't go down as smoothly as it could have gone and one thing leads to another and we have our first major character death of the season.

I won't spoil too much for you, and if you haven't watched the episode yet, then you probably shouldn't read the rankings. But without further adieu, I present:

THE WALKING CHARACTER RANKINGS

1. Daryl Dixon (last time: 1)

Wooooo!!!! Daryl! I thought he was a goner for sure when the zombie snuck up behind him like Jameis Winston at the club. While I was watching that scene my palms were sweaty, knees weak, vomit on my sweater already, mom's spaghetti. But in typical Daryl fashion, he uses the zombie as a shield and BLOWS UP A TANK! Why would he NOT be number 1? Number 1 on here and number 1 in our hearts.

2. Rick Grimes (last time: 3)

Welp, let's be glad he didn't do the classic Rick Cry when he saw Judith was missing. Ricky 3 Stacks was faced with a tough decision in his standoff, and he tried to take the peaceful route, but The Governor wasn't having it. Rick also is a horrible shot. How do you miss The Governor when he's standing right in front of you? Rick also got beat up. And didn't contribute to the gunfight at all. But nobody else really did much either.

3. Michonne (last time: not ranked)

She didn't kill The Governor, but she did save Rick's life. I respect the hustle though, she finally got what she wanted. Other than that, she was just kinda there to save Rick's life. Should've been a little less predictable but whatevvvvvvs.

4. The Governor (last time: 10)

He killed Hershel!!!! He shot a dead little girl without any sort of remorse. He beat Rick up. And then he died. The Governor has always been a little stale for me, which blows because he was so great in the comics. I don't know why the writers didn't make him more menacing, maybe it was all about being realistic, but The Governor was a snoooozzzzzeeeerrrr.

5. Tyreese (last time: not ranked) 

His manhood has been up and down this season, but he's hit his stride beautifully these last few episodes. I thought he was a goner for sure when he was rolling around in poison ivy and getting shot at. But those girls from "The Shining" ended up saving him. I can dig it.

6. The Girls From "The Shining" That Saved Tyreese (last time: unheard of)

Yeaaaahhhh these girls have spent this whole season being useless, but they came out strong, saved Tyreese, and killed those douchebags in The Governor's camp. With a headshot nonetheless. After being infected with the flu that was killing the prison. I like it!

7. Carl Grimes (last time: 4)

Ooooooh I thought he was going to die, but he didn't. But still, he is about to come full circle with his serial killer future, as evidenced by the 5 times he shot a dead zombie. Also, we have to do something about that hat he keeps wearing.

8. Rick's Hat (last time: not ranked)

Rick's hat managed to stay on during the gunfight and provided Carl with the skills to kill. I'm a fan!

9. The Governor's Tank (last time: didn't exist)

It had a nice run, it blew some things up, but it had to learn a lesson that everyone eventually learns: nobody survives the wrath of Daryl.

10. Hershel's Head (last time: still attached to his body)

More on this in a second...

Not Ranked:

Carol :(
Maggie Greene
Beth Greene
Bob STOOPID
Glenn Rhee
Sasha
Rick's Beard
The Governor's Accent

This was a wonderful mid-season finale, although I think the idea of a mid-season finale is stupid, but I can kinda understand it. But let's talk about Hershel.

I'll see you at the crooooossssroooaaaaddssss, so you won't be loooooonely, see you at the crooooossssrrrooooaaaads sooooo you won't be lone lonellllaaaayyyyy.

And I'm gonna miss everybody and I'm gonna miss everybody ooooohhhhh.

Livin in a hateful wooooooorld, sending me straight to heaven, livin in a hateful woooooorld, can somebody anybody tell me whyyyyy we die we dieeeeee, i don't wanna diiiiieeeee.

Sooooooo wrong oooooohhhh so wroooong ooooooohhhhhhh.

Pour out the liquor for Hershel Kenobi. We'll see you up there again big homie.

Final Score: 5/5

Long.Live.ASAP Review

Don't worry, I haven't abandoned The Walking Dead reviews, nothing has reealllly happened these last few episodes leading up to the mid season finale, so I'll be lumping all 3 episodes together. But anyway, as a part of the Throwback Reviews, I decided to pull out one of my favorite albums of 2013, Long.Live.ASAP.

I first heard of A$AP a few years ago when he dropped the EXCELLENT LiveLoveASAP. He really did drop the hardest mixtape of the last few years. Then we saw Rocky again in the even better "National Anthem" video with the beautiful Lana Del Rey as the star crossed couple, JFK and Jackie. The video was great, that's actually Lana's strong point.

As we all know, ASAP wears dresses and other questionable things, but we let him off the hook with all that because he makes dope music. Now if we saw someone like J. Cole wearing a dress, or Drake, then we'd have some problems. But ASAP is cool so leave him alone.

Anyway, this brings us to Long.Live.ASAP, the anticipated debut from the new king of Harlem. Does it live up to the hype (yup), but if you haven't taken the time to peep it (or buy it), then I'll go ahead and lay out the blueprint for you for what's dope about the album and what you can absolutely skip.

Without further adieu, I present the:

LONG.LIVE.ASAP REVIEW

1. Long Live A$AP

Right off the bat, ASAP drops some flames on us. The beat is fire, the lyrics are whatever, but the flow is great. The video is great too, but the chorus is an acquired taste. ASAP can't exactly sing at all, but after about 7 listens you start confusing him with Michael Bolton. I love this song.

2. Goldie

wooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! This song is pure greatness. In 2013, male rappers suffer from a masculinity problem, but this song is raw grits. Now don't think ASAP is on here dropping jewels by any means, he's actually super simple, but he manages to keep a consistent flow (looking at you Em and Jay Z), which goes along with the song perfectly. Think of Rocky like Aaron Rodgers, he's able to hide how bad his team is by being entertaining and being the best out there. Rocky's lyrics are so-so but he's able to hide it with a crazy beautiful beat and an impressive flow.

3. PMW (Feat. ScHoolboy Q)

I don't think there are two rappers who perfectly feed off of each other the way ScHoolboy and ASAP do. If you heard "Brand New Guy" by these two then you'd know you don't have to hear this song to know it is nothing short of greatness. Had anyone else in the "new school" rappers done this concept we would've ended up with something like, oh I don't know, "Every Girl" by YMCMBSELLOUT.

4. LVL

Clams Casino alert!!! If you don't know who that is then just go back and listen to LiveLoveASAP. This song is really peaceful, beautiful, simple, complex, just something to lay back to and chill. You don't have any worries when you listen to something like this. Again, Rocky isn't saying anything that's gonna make you rewind the song, but like "Bound 2", this is just meant to be enjoyed.

5. Hell (Feat. Santigold)

It sounds exactly like "LVL", but that's okay. ASAP has always been about making chill beats/songs and this is again just meant to be enjoyed. Rocky does step his lyric game up a tad, but don't even focus on that. Focus on the SONG, let it soothe you. Let Santigold kill that hook, let the production team relax you after a long day. Treat yo self.

6. Pain (Feat. OverDoz)

Bleeeeeehhhhhhhhh. Sounds like "LVL" and "Hell", so you could probably skip it if you're getting TOO relaxed. Like, it's an all right song, but it's the most mediocre thing so far on the album. It isn't a terrible song by any means, but you'll live without ever hearing it again.

7. F**kin' Problems (Feat. Every Lame Rapper Except Kendrick Lamar)

Everyone and their momma knows about this song. And it's actually pretty good. Even with that trash hook by 2 Chainzzzz, who still doesn't care about setting the rap game back about 20 years. 2 Chainz is trash. Then we move on to Rocky's verse where he again chooses style over substance, which is what this whole song basically is. I'm not mad at Rocky, but he was in cruise control for this one. Then we arrive at Drizzy Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. Who raps like thiiiiiiiiiiiiis, and thaaaaaaaaaaat andsometimesthrowsinsomethingeeeeellllssseeeeee. He talks about the staaaaaaaaars and maybe dissed Rhiaaaaannnaaaaaaaaa and weeeeeeeeed and the Beeeaaaaatlllleeesssss. And then he gets kindaaaaa gaaaaaaangstaaaaaa and then talks about his diiiiiiicccckkkkk. So then we arrive at Kendrick Lamar, and if you've seen the video, he wears the same exact thing as Rocky. I mean, it's whatever. He spit the best verse, so I'm not mad about it. See, when you can make good songs that don't suck, then you can get away with a lot of things.

8. Wild For The Night (Feat. Skrillex)

Yaaaahhhhh!!!!!! At first I was wondering what this monstrosity was that I was listening, and then I listened to it 12 more times and it's one of my favorite cuts on the album. When I first saw the tracklist and saw Skrillex's Hot Topic ass on there I was like, nooooooooo I'm not reeeaaaaddyyyy. But then he blessed us with a beautiful beat that sounds like Storm Troopers shooting at Luke and Han.

9. 1 Train (Feat. Kendrick Lamar, Joey BadA$$, Yelawolf, Danny Brown, Action Bronson, Not Drake, Big K.R.I.T.)

This was the song everyone was excited about. And I'm here to tell you this was the second mediocre track on the album. Like it isn't a bad song, but it isn't the monster we all thought it had the potential to be. ASAP spit a so so verse, I skip Joey BadA$$ every chance I can get, Yelawolf was just OKAY, not like he was spitting anything that made me wanna buy any of his music ever. So then we arrive at Danny Brown. I don't all the way co-sign him, but he did bring it on this track. Action Bronson spit the best verse and Big K.R.I.T. still refuses to capture what made his first mixtape so special. I don't know, it feels like there could have been a better roster for this track, like replace Yelawolf, K.R.I.T., and Joey BadA$$ with Run The Jewels. Also the beat is meeeeehhhhhhhh at best.

10. Fashion Killa

This song sounds like that one scene in every movie when the ugly girl and popular guy go to the mall to buy her some clothes. And the guy sits in a chair while the girl comes out in like 4 humorously ugly outfits that the guys keeps shaking his head "no" to. And then when he's tired of her trying on clothes she comes out in THE outfit that's going to make her a star. But you could skip this song and not miss anything.

11. Phoenix

The video is trash but the song is actually really great. Probably one of my favorites on the album. The beat is elegant, and ASAP doesn't do what all of his peers do, which is become emotionally naked and wounded. No, Rocky decides to retain his masculinity. This song had the potential to fly off the rails and become a J.Cole/Drake knockoff song, but ASAP brought it.

"If I shall ever fall Lord pick me up, ever since a baby two deuce in sippy cups, ever since my diapers and my zip-me-ups, now I'm walking on my own and ya'll wish me luck"

12. Suddenly

ASAP gets back to relaxing you with a chill beat. He paints a scene about growing up in New York and you're just kinda like "this song is good, but I'm about to fall asleep"....but then...man.

13. Jodeye

This song wasn't intentionally supposed to put you asleep, but it does. Zzzzzzzzz.

14. Ghetto Symphony (Feat. Gunplay and The Guy in the A$AP Mob Who Can't Rap)

Woooooo, we're back! I do love this song a lot, but you can definitely skip it after Gunplay spits. The songs goes along steadily until you get to ASAP Ferg. Man ASAP Ferg sucks. He also said he's gonna "gonna kill em like Big Boi" but he raps like he's stupid.

15. Angels

Now THIS song is a problem. If "Goldie" didn't exist, this would be the best song on the album. Maaaaaaaaaaaan this beat is beautiful and ASAP actually kinda kills it. Also the music video is terrific. This really should've been the closing song on the album, but beggars can't be choosers ya know? But I definitely recommend that you listen to this song because it's one of my favorites of 2013.

16. Like I'm Apart (Feat. Florence Welch)

Turn on the radio and you can hear about 234823049024 versions of this song. This really shouldn't have been as generic as it ended up being. Weak way to close out the album but all the glitter's can't be gold every time, right?

So there we have it. Is it better than the LiveLoveA$AP mixtape? Not really, but I do enjoy this album more. Rocky didn't do any lyrical backflips on this, but he maintained a consistency throughout the album that a lot of artists lack in this day in age. A lot of albums have about 4 fire joints, 2 really good joints, 1 "I could listen to this again some day" joint, and 8 filler joints. This album only had 4 moments of ehhhhhh to me, but even those songs weren't awful, they just didn't appeal to me personally.

Final Score: 4.5/5