So I saw this tonight. I walked in the movie theater, purchased my ticket. I'm wearing my new NILBOG hoodie (It's from Troll 2 in case you were wondering) and I'm pretty excited to see Don Jon. I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt, even though he throws a temper tantrum in every. Single. Movie. But that's neither here nor there.
So I walk up to give the man my ticket and he asks me for my ID. I'm a regular there. My date is a regular there. This guy has made me show ID before. But what if I don't have my ID? Tickets are non refundable. I look decently over 21, and I told the man that even if my date wasn't over 17 (she is) then that's okay because I am. The rule says that "under 17 needs to be accompanied by an adult or guardian, and an adult means someone 21 and over." Hai I'm 21. So we gotta get clearance for the second time to let us into the movie. So I was in a sour mood. I'm mad. This movie can salvage that, right? Right?
Why was that story set up important? Because it sets in motion the domino effect of tonight. I should have known from the time I walked into the theater, that the worst was yet to come...
So the movie starts off pretty funny. JGL has a funny accent and he nails down the way douchebags act in real life. He watches a lot of porn and makes some pretty accurate assessments about sex and relationships. He meets Scarlett Johansson and she nails the trashy girl accent down PAT. So they begin a really bizarre relationship where she doesn't let him have sex and he watches a lot of porn. She makes him change and stop watching porn. He doesn't want to stop watching porn so he keeps on watching porn. She gets mad, he keeps watching porn. He realizes the error of his ways with 10 minutes left of the movie and kinda sorta stops watching porn.
The movie is a never-ending loop of the same scenes over and over. It's like a less disturbing Requiem For a Dream. Throughout the movie you get to see Don Jon's family. His dad, Tony Danza, is high strung and douchey. He played the role really well but my patience was THIN. His mom got on my nerves and his sister did the cliche "character doesn't say a word the whole movie and in the end she finally speaks and it is the most thoughtful comment and ends up changing the way the character thinks". Basically she was the dad from Along Came Polly.
The movie was pretty boring, the characters weren't likable or relatable unless you plan all year for Spring Break at Panama City Beach. I get that this was a social satire about sex in America, and how we've lost the meaning of it, but it doesn't exactly resonate that well with the audience. After about 45 minutes you're just kinda like "we get it", and there's nothing more to the movie. It's a shallow movie that pretends to be deep. BUT, for JGL's first time directing/writing, he actually did a pretty good job, which boosts the final score a little bit. It was a "Theory Movie" (term credited to one of my friends) which basically means that a movie is good in theory, like it has all the makings of a good movie and a really solid story, but for whatever reason just ends up being really bad.
Now that I've trashed the movie enough, let's move on to the bright spots: The Performances.
Joseph Gordon Levitt: A+
He is such a talented actor. Seriously, everything he does is so great. But he always throws a tantrum in every single movie, which is kinda like his "thing", but I wish he'd stop. I always respected JGL for not selling his career out and becoming an indie darling in the same mold as Jake Gyllenhaal. JGL will probably never get the respect/praise he truly deserves, especially when you consider how dedicated he is to his craft, but then again, does he really want it? He's an ambitious actor and director, and although the movie itself was really bad, his directing/writing/acting was really good. It just doesn't always click (the 81% on Rotten Tomatoes says otherwise though).
Scarlett Johansson: A+
Reallllllyyyyyy enjoyed her performance. She played trashy to a T. What a lot of people don't realize about her is that she is an amazingly great actress. Most people look at her and see that she's really hot (I would cry if she gave me a chance) but she's such a solid actress. In this movie she really transforms from Hot Scarlett to I Would But Never Tell Anyone About It Scarlett, which is a task in and of itself. It amazes me how Jennifer Lawrence is widely held as America's Sweetheart and has a movie career set for life, but Scarlett Johansson doesn't get the same treatment. I mean, come on guys.
Tony Danza: B
He was good, but I could have lived without him in this movie. I honestly hadn't seen him since Who's The Boss (but then again, who has?) and gawwwwwd he's old. I mean, he did a really good job, but I was ready to smack him after 5 minutes. I get they wanted him to be a high strung doucher, but there were literally no redeeming qualities about him (which is a recurring theme in this movie). It's like they just told him to find an Italian accent and yell. That's it. That's all he did. Paaaaasssss.
Juliane Moore: B
She's an awesome actress and I've always enjoyed her work, but her character didn't really have anything going for her. She's basically an old-ish lady (and she's aged as well, which is weird considering I just saw her last week in Crazy, Stupid, Love and she looked dynamite in that movie) taking a night class and has a weird friendship with JGL. They give her a little backstory that kinda brings the movie full circle, but other than that she didn't have much to work with except for being stoned and serving no purpose until the last 15 minutes.
Rob Brown: C
Sorry man, you'll always be Kenyon from Coach Carter.
Glenne Headley: C-
She's one of two characters that I wanted to slap from the opening scene. Talk about patience wearing thin. She has two Emmy nominations, but she wasn't really that good of an actress in this movie. She was okay for what she was given, but I couldn't get past how much she got on my nerves. The movie is a lot stronger without JGL's family who served NO purpose here.
Brie Larson: F
I hated her in 21 Jump Street and I hate her in this. Literally stares at her phone until she gets a thought provoking sentence at the end. Like I said, JGL's family served NO purpose except to annoy me.
Channing Tatum: A+++
Yeah, he's in it. And it was the best part of the movie. Love you dawg.
So that about wraps up the review. It was a cool idea and I love JGL's ambition waaaaaaaaay more than James Franco's. This is was a classic "Theory Movie", but take this movie for what it is: douchebags who want us to feel sorry for them while they have a lot of sex. This was a shame too because it was the first movie of Oscar Season and I was really excited about it. Oh well, they can't all be winners, even though this movie makes you think it is. Again, I really respect JGL for going out on a limb and I hope to see more directing projects from him in the future, but this movie just didn't do it for me.
Final Score: 2/5
